The Little Lohan That Could

Dear Ali Lohan (or as I like to call you, “Aloe”),
Honey, I’m going to need you to really focus on this open letter to you, ok? I’m going to need you to nod in agreement from time to time as you read this, ok? Good.

Aloe, you are at the very young age of 13. Already, you have made more money than I may see in my lifetime. You see, I am already jealous of you for this one reason alone (that, and you probably have taken a bath with Lindsay before….is it freckles all over? Even…down…there?). Moving on. Ok, so you have a Christmas album out right now. I think that is a good start. You definitely need to start out with that “holy” image as your sister probably will make many of us think bad things about you. I say this because you guys look very much alike and you have that same “nails on a chalkboard” voice.

So, here is where my concern comes in. You claim that you and Lindsay talk every day and Lindsay gives you tips on how to become a star. Look, don’t listen. Oh yeah, and don’t listen to your mom either. Is dad still in jail? If so, score one for you! I need you to listen to me, a perfect stranger, yet someone who is dead on. You need to be the “anti-Lindsay.” That’s right. You need to where pants and underpants at all times. You need to stay off the bottle. You need to stay the hell away from The Ivy. You need to just not drive. Ok, so you’re only 13, but 16 is right around the corner. You need to just get a driver. You must never go anywhere with Paris Hilton or Britney Spears. Please also stay clear of Nicole Richie. You must eat. You must eat. Oh, and you must eat. You must sing songs that are fitting for a girl your age. Therefore, you must stay clear of anything that JoJo passes up, meaning that you must not have lyrics that deal with “how to touch a girl” and “come with me, stay the night.” I said it before and I’ll say it again, JoJo is the next “Lindsay Lohan in Waiting.”

Following my instructions carefully can insure you some staying power in Hollywood and when everyone is over Lindsay No Pants, people will think that you are refreshing. Now, if after a few years your career isn’t going exactly where you want it please make sure to abandon my instructions and just stick with whoring it up. But, please do it in moderation.No one likes a showoff. Best of luck!
Luke-Warm Regards,
Pasquale @ ImBringingBloggingBack

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