Victoria Beckham: The Lucille Ball of Our Generation

So I’ve been reading a lot of books lately. I know, it goes against everything I believe in. So, in order to dumb-me-down again I checked out the Victoria Beckham reality show. Will my head explode? Will the horrific British accent kill me? Will I make it through the whole episode? Let’s see how this went down:

  • Instantly I am disappointed that there aren’t subtitles. I am having a hard time following along to the British accent. If they can provide subtitles to Ozzy they sure as hell can provide it to Poshtoria.
  • So some girl shows up to try to be Poshtoria’s assistant. As a “try out” she gets to hang out with her for a few days to see how it goes. I want to be the personal assistant of a celebrity…or a reality show star…or a fauxlebrity….or a celebrity impersonator. I don’t even need to get paid. I can make money by selling crack on the streets in my spear time to children in a school playground. I really want to be one now. Where do I sign up? Crap I missed some of the episode by thinking about this new plan I have to be a celebrity assistant.
  • Crap. Poshtoria has a “Paris Hilton That’s Hot” saying. Hers is “that’s major.” See what she did there? She replaced the word “hot” with “major.” I hate myself a little more at this point.
  • Victoria then meets up with Perez Hilton. He needs no more press. Moving on…
  • Next up, she gets her license, goes to the house of some crazy-rich-elderly-drunken neighbors, goes house hunting, and practices for earthquakes. Oh, and she goes shopping. I’m pretty sure all of this happens within one day.
  • I pause for a minute to try and remember why she has her own television show. Oh yeah, she’s moving to LA. When I moved to NYC my sister took a couple of pictures of me. Basically, I can totally relate.
  • Moving on Poshtoria and crew try to fool the paparazzi by buying a blowup doll and making it look like Poshtoria and then driving it around town. I was just about to make a blowup doll joke, but Poshtoria beat me to it. This sucks.
  • Next – she throws out the first pitch at the Dodgers game. That was dumb, but the best part was Tommy Lasorda having no clue who she was and what appeared to be him having a stroke. Brilliant.
  • Welcome to “the America” Poshtoria. Terrorists….get her!
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