Breaking News: Jessica Simpson was spotted doing Christmas shopping in New York City yesterday and she wasn’t…wait for it….wait for it….wearing any makeup. You guys still there?
I’ve only posted these photos because I’m pretty sure they will make it onto Access Hollywood, that other terrible entertainment show that Slater hosts, Inside Edition, Larry King Live, and The View. These photos will be “Tweeted” by everyone and their mother and will poke fun at Jessica Simpson for not wearing any makeup and going out in public. Tyra Banks will, of course, somehow make this about herself and dedicate the next 10 episodes of her show to not wearing any makeup. Some news organizations will demand apologies for making jokes at Jessica’s behalf. John Mayer will Tweet some douchey comment on his Twitter account. Us Weekly will create a “Water Cooler Poll” asking, “Should Jessica Simpson be Allowed to Not Wear Makeup While Out in Public?” 78% of American’s will vote “No.” The Today Show will have Jessica Simpson comment on this scandal via sattelite and we’ll all have to sit through that awkward delay when Meredith asks Jessica a question while Jessica is still talking and then they both do that awkward pause and talk over each other while both saying at the same time “Go ahead. No, it’s ok, you go. You go. Well I was just going to say…..oh, you go” until the interview is cut short because they’re out of time. Facebook groups will be created like, “If My Teenage Daughter Gets 1 Million Followers She’ll Never Wear Makeup to School Again.” I will get invited to all of these groups. I will join none of them. While taking his dog for a walk while on Christmas vacation, President Obama will be asked what he thinks of the Jessica Simpson photos and he’ll make some inappropriate remark because he’ll think it’s off the record, but there will be cameras on him capturing every word he says. He’ll clear this up on his weekly appearance on David Letterman. Ashlee Simpson will make a spoof of Jessica without any makeup on in a Funny or Die video. Perez Hilton will draw “coke dots” on Jessica’s photo and say things like “F-List.”
Yeah, so that’s basically why I’m running these photos. I still think she looks good even without makeup, but let’s see what happens.