Move over Heidi’s new nose, face, chin, boobs, scooped out back, butt implants, eyebrow lift, and Snooki’s freakin’ poof because there’s a new cast of characters that are hypnotizing me for 30 minutes in front of my TV. First off, apparently there’s a channel called “WE.” No really, it exists. After receiving about 10 weeks worth of emails from whoever is the marketing firm promoting the piss out of this show I figured I’d give it a shot. So let’s take a stroll into all of our futures and see just what (and possibly who) went down on a little show called “Sunset Daze.”
- Alright so I’m only 3 minutes into this show and I’m pretty sure I already caught osteoporosis…luckily this episode is sponsored by Sally Field and Boniva (no joke).
- We kick things off by meeting Sandy. Sandy is 68 and her husband died 3 years ago. It’s great to bring the party down like that right off the bat. Perhaps letting us know that she had a mammogram scheduled for Monday, for example, would really start things off on a high note. Most importantly, however, is that Sandy has Heidi Montag hair, yet still looks younger and fresher than the Montag Monster herself. Sandy also likes to talk, constantly, about “B.O.B.” B.O.B is what she likes to call her “Battery Operated Boyfriend.” In other words, boy and girls, her vibrator. So, kids, get a nice mental image of Grandma plowing herself until her medical alert beeper goes off and her she starts screaming over and over again, Give it to me again, Arthur Miller, give it to me again.” That, ladies and gentlemen, is also how you break a hip.
- Sandy the her band of skanks (I love how wrong I feel for talking about older ladies like that) head out to the shooting range. Similar to The Hills and The City, this “reality show” is produced within an inch of its life. Luckily my standards are at sea level and so, well, I’m fine with staged scenes. I mean, personally I’m more interested in watching Sandy waking up at 5:45am to drink a cup of prune juice and rock back and forth on the toilet for 45 minutes, but others prefer to see their reality show stars out and about doing things. Not me.
- Joanne, the self described matchmaker, is trying to set up Sandy on a blind date/scripted date. Joanne is a real pistol and, like JWoww, she wears a lot of jewelry and a leather jacket that is, literally, bedazzled on the back. Although, when she smiles she doesn’t have as many eye-tan-wrinkles as JWoww so score one for Joanne!
- Stop. The. Press. Fire the rest of the cast because we’ve found ourselves a winner. Enter Gail. Seriously, I could watch her all the live long day. The first thing I thought when I saw her? The “flip” is the new “poof.” Write it down kids, because I’m gonna want credit later. Gail is a redheaded firecracker who is feisty and lovable all in the same breath. She’s a former Broadway(ish) actress from New York and agrees with her son that she’s “a little nuts.” Sure her hair is as red as your bum bum after a night out in Mexico, but I still love her. Already. I’m writing letters to start the spin-off petition as we speak.
- We also get to meet Ann. She’s 61 yrs old, from Ireland, and spent 29 years as a nun. Her husband, John, is sadly losing his eyesight and can be blind within the hour. So she was a nun and her husband is about to be blind? Even my blackened heart knows enough to not touch this one with a ten foot pole. I mean, I’ll still make fun of Bindi Irwin, but I won’t cross the blind with a nun on the side. Nope.
- You know, I know I sound like an arse for this, but enough with the “wild things” these retirees are doing. We get it, you’re old…not dead. I don’t think anyone thinks anymore that people of a certain age don’t do things. We get it, you have sex. We get it, you like to drink. We get it, age is just a number. There’s no need to force this down our throats like we’re stupid. I’m sorry, I’m just pissed off that Gail isn’t in every scene of this craptastic show.
- Joanne and the girls are out scouting dudes for Sandy to go out with. Seriously, how many friggin golf courses are there in Arizona? Yowza. Personally, I think Joanne is uber focused on getting Sandy a date so she can sneak in her house while she’s out and steal her B.O.B and then just drill, drill, drill until her heart is content. That’s my theory. Perhaps you have your own.
- Back to Gail, just where we should be! Gail is directing a reading group…at her kitchen table. I think these folks are going to put on a play at some point and, you know what, they should. If they had to sit through 8 years of “Christmas Spectacular’s” for their rotten kids it’s time for a little payback and have their rotten kids sit through their terrible play. It’s the circle of life, people.
- Some of the “actors” are messing up their lines and Gail is getting pisssssed. I love it. I want Gail to teach me. And bathe me. Teach and bathe me. Maybe teach me in the bathtub? I’m open to it, if she is.
- It’s time for Sandy’s blind date. Joanne is there with her bedazzled leather coat and all is right with the world. Sandy’s blind date is Dick, whom she already knows. Is it “who” or “whom?” Who cares? Actually, whom cares? Sandy and Dick are heading up on their hot air balloon date and have a little champagne. Seriously, someone check to see if Dick is a Level 3 because I’m pretty sure if the camera crew wasn’t there Dick would be trying to convince Sandy to be the wheelbarrow and he’ll be the farmer delivering the load…if ya know what I mean…and I think ya do….cuz I’m 12. In the end, Dick made a bunch of dirty jokes…most of which didn’t make a ton of sense and Sandy wasn’t too into Dick. She’ll settle for B.O.B for now, which really is ironic.
- In the end we get to share a brisket meal with Gail and her son. Gail’s son wants Gail to go to the gay rodeo with him. I’m pretty sure Gail is technically a gay rodeo herself, but she doesn’t want to go as she thinks they hurt the animals. My favorite Gail quote of the episode is when she says, “It bothers me. I like horses to run free without anything.” Amen. I have no idea.
So folks, that concludes what went down on Sunset Daze. I’m not going to lie, I’m confused on what exactly I was watching and if this is a real TV show or just one of those online “Hills” spoofs where they have the elderly play the roles of the various cast members. Will I watch it again? Tough call. Can someone remind me when it’s on 30 minutes before it airs? Then maybe. I’d rather just watch clips of Gail being Gail so if someone can also make that happen, all the better. To be honest, the opening credits were more entertaining than the entire show, but I may catch it again in 4 weeks if/when they do an all weekend marathon. It’ll be nice to sit on the couch, completely hungover, and see the type of people who will surround me in 40 years.