Back by popular demand is my own advice column: “Spencer’s Busy, Let IBBB Take a Message” In case you need to be caught up on what this is click here to read last weeks. Anyway, thank to all of you sick bastards who wrote in a question and sorry to those of you who I didn’t choose. Keep sending them and I’ll keep printing them out and shredding them! Here we go….
Being a long time devoted fan of your blog and since I know no one else with your vast knowledge of all things worldly, you are possibly the only person who can help me with this question. Last night my husband, son and I went to dinner. A lady (and I use the term loosely – think Shelia from BB9 after a 6 pack a day habit) seated a table over from us proceeded to tell her group of “friends” about how she had walked in on her brother watching a XXX porno about a girl having sex with men dressed up as animals and then she went on to tell them in pretty clear detail what was happening in the video. I wasn’t quite sure if I was repulsed or curious. Given my son was sitting at the table with me also listening to this lesson in zoophilia (if you don’t know…look it up) I’m not sure what to do so I just sat there and did or said nothing. Should this happen to me again what should I do differently?
Dearest Debil Dog,
Sounds like you guys were having dinner at Burger King because a conversation like that would never take place at an establishment like McDonald’s. Therefore, I blame “The King.” Regardless, this question you bring up is one that philosophers have been battling with for centuries. My advice to you is the next time this happens you, your husband, and your son must each start yelling out the following words repeatedly and one after another: whore, pervert, skank. There is no need to stand up and shout these words, just keep looking at your menu and yell out these catchy phrases. I’m sure she’ll get the message loud and clear. If needed, feel free to shout out that you’ve had sexual intercourse with Mickey Mouse and it was less than exciting.
With the nice weather starting to arrive I feel like I should start going to the gym. Is this something you would recommend?
Hello there Shannon,
My first reaction is that, NO, you should not go to the gym. That place has some heavy shit and if you’re at the gym how are you supposed to watch TV? However, I then started to change my mind when I wondered if you had some sort of weight problem because if that’s the case you should hit the gym because people aren’t going to want to look at you. Just sayin. Now don’t go all crazy and start shoving your tooth brush down your throat. Perhaps just eat a bit healthier and run a bit. I’ll give you the same advice that Aunt Becky gave to DJ when she was trying to lose a ton of weight for Kathy Santone’s pool party. You could start eating some nice chicken or fish with veggies and salad. See? It worked for DJ and only took her about 15 yrs to drop 10 pounds. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. When all else fails, go green! Hope that helps.
IBBB and Jenny Craig
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