Nelly Furtado Is a Retardo

Dear Nelly Furtado,

I have a few things to say to you. You’re hot. You really are. You have killer eyes, a great smile, a tight little body, and can sing (kinda). You know what isn’t hot? Spray-painted flames up and down your arms. I know, I know one would think when they’re getting ready for the MTV Europe Music Awards that a simple dress just wouldn’t be enough. At what point when you standing in front of the mirror with your dress on do you say, “Somethings missing, somethings missing. I know! I need flames painted up and down my arms and that will complete the whole package!” Yeah. It actually doesn’t. It kinda makes you look like a retard. I would assume those flames would look decent on a race car or even a ceiling fan that Harriet Carter sells, but on your arms? Uh-uh.

Now, here’s what you gotta do as soon as you get home. You must pour bleach all over your arms and start scrubbing with the type of brush that you clean your grill with. Still think it was a good idea to get your arms painted, smart ass? Don’t ever make me have to yell at you like this again.

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