Dear Loyal and Bipolar Readers,
I’ve been thinking. I’ve decided that in the unlikely event I were to ever go missing, or a boat I’m on flips over, or I get kidnapped by Kelly Cutrone, or I pull an Amelia Earhart, or I get locked in a trunk, or I get tossed off a cruise ship, etc I would please like someone to use the above picture that I drew of myself to send to the news outlets, online sources, and tacked onto telephone poles throughout your city.
This is all quite simple, you see. This photo that I’ve created is timeless. It’s simple. Sure I have olive colored nose and hands, but that’s besides the point. Anyone notice that picture of Chandra Levy that CNN keeps showing? Yeah, it’s like attack of the 90’s. I don’t want that done to me. I don’t want to go missing and have my parents send CNN a picture of me from 6th grade with lasers shooting behind me in the background. The photo I’ve created is much better and when I’m finally found, I won’t be embarrassed. It’s a real win-win. I don’t think there are any holes in this plan. Plus, how much are “the kids” going to love it when that picture is on the back of every milk carton this side of the Mason-Dixon (no idea where that is).
Thank you all, in advance, for your cooperation.
IBBB (both the real and cartoon version)