Happy crappy Monday and welcome to another wondrous segment of Fun With Spam! Here is one of the latest craptastic emails I received and, of course, I did send a response as well. I’ve added the subject line of the email I received as it is pretty much my favorite part:
Subject: Please help me am contacting you from my sick bed
I know that this will be a surprising message to youas we have not meet each other before. My name is Mr.Samuel Ouedraogo,from Burkina Faso.I have been diagnosed with Esophageal cancer.It has defiled all forms of medical treatment, I have spent much money through my only uncle claiming that he want to help my critical IL-health condition while using my money for himself.He has even bribed the doctor to tell me that I have only about a few months to live to seeing if i have another money to bring out for him to take of which he can still bribe to kill me.I was never generous, and only focused on my business as that was the only thing I cared for and i did all this because of my inability to bear a child that is why my uncle want me dead so that he will take all my belongings as i have no brother nor sister.Because of my being impotent i adopted a female child as icannot born and i cannot live alone.I do not trust my the man any more to die here and live the little adopted girl straunded, as he seem not to be happy with me and her. He has sworded not to allow her live so that he can easily inbound all my belongings immediately i die. Now that my health has deteriorated so badly and i cannot do things myself any more i will like you to do me a favor and i don’t want my uncle to know about this development till i live the country. I strongly believe that our God almighty can still change my IL-health condition.I need your urgent response so that we can make arrangement for me and my daughter to come over to meet you in your country for good treatment before anything happens to me here.I have a fixed deposit account which no one knows about and i saved this funds for the purpose of using it at my old age since i have no child before this adoption. I believe that with this funds you can change this my sickness by arranging a specialist for adequate treatment in your kind control their in your country because with God all things are possible.
God be with you.
Dear Mr. Samuel Ouedraogo,
Thank you so much for the email. I have been bribed to be killed by my uncle more times than I can shake a stick at, so I definitely know what you’re going through. I can relate. I’m totally not a registered doctor or anything, but I think you are having a hard time “bearing” a child because you are missing a vagina and your name is “Mr.” Samuel. Although, I do feel quite honored that you let me know you were impotent in the very first email to me. There’s no such thing as too much information. That’s what I think I like about you most.
Look, I hate to leave your newly adopted little girl “straunded” but times are a bit tough and the economy isn’t so great here in the sunny US of A. I’m not quite sure if you’re looking for me to help you with your daughter, call the police on your uncle, or fly you to the “America” so that a skilled doctor can fix your broken dick. Therefore, I think I’ll pass, but let’s definitely stay in touch. Friends 4-Eva.
God is With Me,