I’m Officially Never Watching ‘House Hunters’ Again

If anyone is still wondering why the housing market is still in the sh*tter, well wonder no longer because I found the answer: House Hunters. First off, how are there literally 3,495 episodes of this show and second of all and why I have yet to see a repeat once? Oh wait, maybe the first part of that answers the second. Here’s the thing that really gets my goat (rented, of course) about House Hunters, everyone is friggin bricks. These people have a budget of about $25.78 and their realtor takes them to houses that are way the hell over their budget, by roughly $700,000. And no matter what the size of the house is every single couple always says the same thing…every time…which is, of course, “Oh. The bedroom is a little smaller than I would like.” Really? Because I’m pretty sure you’re moving out of a cardboard box/Section 8 housing and Foreclosure, so just be grateful that the living room is big enough for your tacky oversized Bob’s Discount puffy leather sectional that takes up 3/4ths of the room, garbage heap.

And these people find the biggest excuses of why they “may not want the house” which is basically just White Trash bargaining tactics, such as, “The dishwasher seems a little old” or my other favorite, “What ugly color walls.” Here’s a little rule of thumb, if you can’t afford to replace a dishwasher, you can’t afford a mortgage. Someone share that financial tidbit with the lenders, ok? Oh, and thanks to the magic of “science” there’s this substance that’s been invented called “paint.” I hear it comes in at least 3 different colors. See if your wife can get off her fat ass and pitch in with that project, cool? While I’m venting, what’s with everyone always needing a spare office? I mean, your housing budget was $80,000 what could you possibly be doing for work where you would need a home office?  Unless Walmart gives you a “practice register” to bring home, I’m sure you’re fine with going without that extra room.  Maybe you could use it as a “resume writing room?”  Just a thought.

And did you notice how there’s never enough closet space?  “Oh. We were really hoping for a giant walk-in closet.”  Were you really?  Suddenly you’re Mariah Carey?  Speaking of which, where are you going to display all your Grammy’s?  That’s right.  You don’t have any and you’re not Mariah Carey.  Hang up your clothes the same way that everyone else does.  While we’re on this subject, what’s with the new “requirement” that there’s an “en-suite bathroom?”  Everyone needs that now.  First off, who even knew it was called that?  Second, what’s so “caveman” about having to walk out of your bedroom, into the hallway, and then into the bathroom so you can take a nasty dump?  And God-forbid these “en-suite bathrooms” don’t have a double sink.  Gulp.  When the buyer complains about this you can almost hear the skid-marks forming in the realtor’s underpants.  At least I can.  I have the hearing of a dog.  Of course, the next scene is the buyer taking it upon themselves to get in the tub with all their clothes on to see if it’s “big enough” for them.  Uh, we’re American’s.  Of course we’re too big for the tub.  Next.

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The prize for me is the gem of an episode where the realtor looks like she could barely pass the real estate exam and is reading off of small note-cards what the square footage is and how many bathrooms the place has.  Impressive.  This is the same realtor that is visibly pissed off when they’re forced to parade the couple from house to house in a neighborhood that they can’t afford, but the couple won’t budge on their budget or location.  Literally, one agent said in every single house she was in, “Well, again, you don’t have the budget for this neighborhood and won’t change your location.”  I think at that point even the camera man started to shake.  Oh, and when did “The America” make some rule that every single kitchen in every single city across the entire country needs to look exactly the same?  We get it:  Cherry cabinets, stainless steel appliances, and black granite counter tops.  Congratulations, folks, you’ve just created the next generation of “pink tile bathrooms” via the kitchen.  When your grandchildren grow up they’re going to go broke trying to replace this sh*t.

Finally, these people always choose the absolute WORST housing option.  Out of the three houses we get to see I’m always like, “Oh there’s no way they’ll choose House #2 because it’s built on quick sand.”  And next thing you know the couple is like, “We chose House #2!  We know it’s going to sink but, well, we like sandcastles!”  Horrible.  I’m not even kidding (and if you watch the show you know I’m telling the truth) this one couple wanted a finished/updated home and they ended up choosing a house that had no windows, no roof, no floors, and only cinderblocks as walls. I’m not lying.  I believe they were in France.  Look it up.  Speaking of which, House Hunters International?  Really?  They should warn the American viewer that if you’re watching the international episodes you should be prepared to see homes where you piss and cook in the toilet and you basically sleep in your kitchen.  No joke, I once saw a bed come out of the oven.  Fine, I made that part up.

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