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Hey y’all sorry I’ve been not commentin’ on the pending divorce y’all but I can’t stop thinking and typing in Leah’s voice-overs. Anycrunch, as many of you know it has been alleged that Leah, her crunchy curls, Corey, and Corey’s hat with hanging stray strings are all getting a divorce. I have to admit I received about 13,000 emails alerting me of this news and asking me to comment. Well, now I’m ready. You really need to wait for the perfect formula which typically consists of enough trash bag and rusty dumpster dust to make the story just right. And, I must admit I’ve found it.
The drunken skanks over at US Weekly have just issued a report that I want to say contained enough comic genius to last me a week. However, since US Weekly usually bores me to Farrah’s ugly crying tears, I decided to give you all a gift and do a little cut and paste photoshopping magic and keep just the best parts and, of course, adding my favorite I Love Leah graphic. Ole!
So here’s the net-net (I have no idea what that means but I always hear people saying it), Leah apparently has moved back in with her mother and her mother’s brother husband in, shocker, West Virgina. Seriously there better be cameras rolling for this sh*t. I mean, even shoot it with a camera phone for all I care, just roll it! Can you even imagine what’s going on in that house?! No joke, they better have the geneticist (gen-et-i-cist?) doing a special observation on three of the tenants and, no, the babies aren’t included into that calculation. The best part, for me, was that US Weekly made a special note that Corey is still “in the family trailer.” The only thing that could have made that sentence better was if it ended with “ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it.” And before you send me dozens of nastygrams let me answer you question in advance; “Yes, I think I’m better than people who live in a trailer.” I totally own it.
Then, it gets better. Way better. I actually had to read the names twice because while it did say “Leah” and “Corey” I had to double check that this wasn’t an article about “Amber” and “Gary.” The divorce might be happening because Leah, allegedly, thinks that Corey has cheated on her as he apparently was “flirting with several young women at a local Dairy Queen.” I mean, where do I even begin? You know he’s all like, “Hey baby, you wanna dip your sprinkles all over my banana split?” I mean who’s flirting when you have 2 twin girls sitting in a trailer and you’re 18? It’s like the personal ad writes itself.
Then it gets betterer. The day that Leah filed for divorce, Corey was flirting with some random fan on his Facebook page and then met up with her that night at the local….wait for it….wait for it…wait for it….you guessed it….Walmart. Walmart? Really? The Home and Garden section I bet. What’s up with garbage heaps picking up ass at Wally?
I have to say I am deeply saddened if this divorce takes place. I mean, who will get custody of the puffy leather couch? Who gets the self tanner? Who gets to spend every other weekend with the slicked down bangs? Will the crunchy curls have to fend for themselves? What a world. What a world.
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