2 Minute Recaps: The Pilot Episode

Back by popular demand is “2 Minute Recaps.” A spinoff of “Harriet Carter Wednesday,” watch my favorite Harriet Carter model, Rachel Platt, host this online cooking show like a champ. If you’re new to this, check out last weeks explainer by clicking here. Now that we’re all settled, here’s my craptastic recap of this weeks episode of Rachel and Will making “Vegetable.” This is the first episode that they’ve created. You know how the pilot episodes of a new show usually kinda suck? Well this one doesn’t. It’s brilliant. Me gusta this crapola. Let’s go!

  • Luckily Rachel is sporting her “peek-a-boob” shirt again for what seems like the 5th week in a row. I’d say let’s chip in to buy her a new shirt, but a little peek-a-boob never hurt anyone.
  • What the hell is “food controversy?”
  • Haha the “director” (and I use that term loosely) must have told Rachel to show a little anger and frustration so, of course, she basically says “Uggggghhh.” I’m mad too, Rachel. Ugggggggh.
  • How come when Rachel has to introduce “Chef Will” she never says his last name? She’s always like “Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiilllllll.” I mean, I wouldn’t want my first and last name associated with this crap either, but it just sounds odd. Let’s call him “Will Williams.”
  • Rachel still doesn’t know when things are cooked and asks Chef Will Williams how do you know veggies are cooked? I’m waiting for her next question to be “Where do babies come from, Will?” The answer, of course, is “Santa.”
  • Riggity Rach tries to impress us all by letting us know that some people like their vegetables al-dente. Is it bad that at this point I want to shoot Rachel with horse tranquilizers?
  • Awesome, I believe Rachel is up to her 3rd chug of wine. Next time I think she should put the wine bottle in a brown paper bag and just drink out of that.
  • Ugh. I really am mad now. Apparently Rachel is new to planet Earth. She was blissfully unaware that vegans cannot have cheese. She literally seems shocked by this….and a little pissed off. Something tells me Rachel will not be staying in close touch with her cheeseless eating vegan friends much longer.
  • Even though her vegan friends can’t eat cheese Rachel insists on putting cheese on hers. I feel like Rach was that fat little bitchy girl at a 7-yr olds birthday party that basically made the party all about her. She probably blew out the candles on the birthday girls cake, took the first swing at the pinata, cheated while playing pin the tail on the donkey, and pushed people over while getting “right foot green” during the Twister game. Just a guess. I could be wrong.
  • What in the holy hell is Chef Will Williams making? How many f’n layers is that thing? No joke it’s 10 layers and won’t even stay together. Rachel, the bratty beast she is, whines that she’s hungry and demands to eat this 10-layer sandwich that is basically on fire.
  • Rachel’s mouth opens up like a snake who is about to unhinge its jaw to eat a baby seal. She says “mmmmm” but I’m pretty sure her throat is in the process of closing up as it has been burnt to death.
  • As the crapisode concludes and the music is playing you can still hear Rachel bitching about vegans not being able to eat cheese. It’s at this point that I’m pretty sure Chef Will Williams regrets ever going to culinary school. Either way, stars are born with these two, the Harpo and Groucho Marx of our time!
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