2 Minute Failure Model Recaps!

Back by popular demand is “2 Minute Recaps.” A spinoff of “Harriet Carter Wednesday,” watch my favorite Harriet Carter model, Rachel Platt, host this online cooking show like a champ. If you’re new to this, check out last weeks explainer by clicking here. Now that we’re all settled, here’s my craptastic recap of this weeks episode of Rachel and Will making “Rockin’ Risotto.” I mean, they’ve spelled it Rissotto, but luckily I don’t judge spelling mistake, I live them. Let’s go:
  • Well looky-loo, Rachel is showing a little peek-a-boo cleavage in this episode. Way to distract Chef Will from his strategic cooking, Rach! Peek-a-boob!
  • Yeah, so I’m pretty convinced that Rachel is drunk. She seems a little to excited about Will making a rockin’ risotto. I especially like the part where she introduces him like Ed McMahon and then does the “white guy at a wedding dance and point.” All she need to complete that was bite her lower lip. Next time perhaps.
  • Rachel, of course, is stumped right off the bat when Chef Will says “rockin’ risotto” and demands to know why it’s called “rockin'” Um, because that’s the name of. It’s like saying, “Happy Easter!” You don’t ask the person, “Wait a minute, why is it happy?”
  • Anyway, Will explains that he’s adding a little Wasabi to the recipe and Rachel holds the bottle and yelps “Whoa!” like the bottle itself is hot. Someones been doing a little extra credit at acting school!
  • Oh crap. Will simply says that he’s making a garlic lemon grass chicken and Rachel reacts like he just said to her, “Rachel, you’re heading off to war today. Best wishes in Iraq!”
  • What the hell is already cooked on the stove in the back? Is this part of the recipe. I thought they usually just cook on that hot plate….you know, kinda like how you’d make soup and grilled cheese on your hot plate in college.
  • Oh please, Rachel makes it look like she’s never seen a grater before. Yeah right. I’m sure that grater was claimed on her last restraining order. She puts it to the side as if she’s going to use it later to taunt animals in the zoo. You know she’s going to.
  • She’s one sick bitch. She thinks the garlic and raw chicken in a glass bowl smells good. Mmmmmm, dead animal flesh. Yum!
  • Hahaha I f’n love this crap. Rachel wants to know when the chicken is cooked because she always “scared of the samanella thing.” Samanella? I don’t think I know Sam. Does she mean “Salmonella?” Sal and Sam are 2 different people. Doesn’t anyone yell “cut” so they can shoot this shit again?
  • Um yeah, I’m not EVER eating at Chef Wills restaurant. He uses his right hand and touches the raw chicken and then about 30 seconds later he takes that same hand to place the cooked chicken on a plate. Gross. Wash your hand you sick son-of-a-bitch. I’d be more concerned with getting something from that than uncooked chicken, Rachel.
  • Rachel tastes it and puts all of her acting skills to use. Notice she doesn’t swallow it. I just assumed she’d swallow. Anyway, even Chef Will is chugging some wine know. He knows this is a bust and I’m not just talking about Rachel’s.
  • Rachel is a booze hound. Listen in the last few seconds you can hear her says she needs more wine. Uh, yeah you do. I say don’t film another segment until you’ve had at least 5 glasses. Seriously, that would be great.
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