Finally Kristin Cavallari’s Raspy Coke Voice Explained…..With Coke


I swear to Jesus Claus if the MTV cameras aren’t rolling on this I will never watch another crapisode of “The Hills” again.  I’m kidding.  I’ll watch it until I lapse into a self induced coma, which typically happens anyway right before the opening credits.  Anycrack, Us Weekly, the Catcher in the Rye of our generation, is claiming that Kristin Cavallari is a cocaine whore or “coke whore” for short.

Apparently at the Super Bowl, Kristin was naked-wasted the entire game and was asking everyone and their mother (and probably Brody’s skank-bang mom) if they could score her some cocaine.  I don’t think this is a huge deal, as I just assume everyone on The Hills does coke just to make it through a scene with each other, but I digest.

Drunken sources are saying, “Her issues are becoming apparent to everyone.  She’s getting scary-thin and not showering regularly…She’s clearly unhealthy.”  You know, she is getting pretty thin, but I just assumed it was from laxatives and a good old fashion Crest toothbrush down the throat, you know, but in a healthy way.  And why do they care that Kristin doesn’t shower regularly, but no one is issuing a statement on how Justin Bobby hasn’t bathed since the fall of the Soviet Union?

So will we be seeing any of Kristin’s alleged drug antics?  Possibly.  The same drunken source continued, “Her drug problem finally became an unavoidable conversation topic on film.  If MTV uses the footage, it will be clear to everyone.”  I don’t even care if all this is made up strictly for the new season.  It’ll be more fun to watch than Heidi trying to snatch Santa Pubes’ sperm so she can get herself a baby…..a baby to fill the pathetic empty void in her life, also known as “love.”

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