Spinoff time! What better way to alienate more people than to take a peek into the artistic ability of children and then comment on what they drew! I’m as excited as a tween getting their braces off. So, ladies and gentlemen, I’m proud to introduce to you a new weekly segment I like to call “Kids Picture This.” Lets see how this goes.
Picture # 1 – Sound the alarm because apparently at little Jordin’s house someone has initiated a nuclear holocaust. I’m having seizures just looking at this picture. I’m also angry as all hell thanks to her murderous use of red all over, what I can only assume is, her “house.” Her mom and dad must have lost their jobs and the bank is probably foreclosing on their house because there are giant “x’s” over the front door and some of the windows. Luckily, to the right of the house, the cow and giraffe (?) who have about 16 extra chromosomes are as pleased as punch to not be catching fire like the rest of the house. Everybody wins! I’m in the process of calling DSS since little Jordin drew a sign to the left of the front door titled “RAGE.” I’m sure someone is getting the bag beaten out of them in their “house of fire.” I’m also not sure what’s wrong with the sun either or why it looks like Marge Simpson’s asshole. To the left of the house, it appears that Jordin has drawn her family’s “concentration camp” that they’ve installed in the side yard. I have no clue what’s inside there. Looks like a street-light to me. Fail. Finally, obviously this photo (that I’m sure will be analyzed by psychiatrists to help determine who will become serial killers and who will become rapists) is supposed to convince someone to “Save Our Air” and “Save Our Animals.” Really, Jordin? Must be nice in your town. You wanna know what we wanna save in my town? Jobs. You wanna know what else? Feet. Yes, feet. The diabetic lady up the street who lost her job and her health insurance is about 14 hours away from getting her foot turned into a stump. Nice drawing. I hope you’re a better dancer. Future planning. Just sayin’.
Picture # 2 – Hey good news everybody! Looks like little Brian has discoverd a way to help prevent chemical terrorist attacks in New York City! Give the buildings wings! Phew! Problem solved! When a chemical attack turns into a cloud over our great city, that Brian has kindly pointed out with arrows (as if we couldn’t see this huge blob that covers half the page) not only should the buildings be given wings but we should also try and reason with the terrorists by saying things like “This is not good foor us” and “stop it!” Wait, it’s not good for us? But you drew so many arrows I assumed it was. Thanks for clearing that up. Oh and I’m not sure what part of NYC Brian lives, but I’ve yet to find the groups of buildings, that are caved in and ready to collapse, that sit directly on green grass and are all missing front doors. And nice job putting in the effort to color in those buildings. Looks like you used brown on about 2 of the squares at the top and then just scribbled in the rest. You must live in the penthouse. I feel bad for the people who live in the parts of the building that are missing windows or have windows that aren’t even technically a shape. I, or course, feel the most bad for the people who have to live under that black cloud. Anyway, thanks Brian for your help on protecting the rest of us. Remember, if you see something, draw something.
Well that concludes a touching segment of “Kids Picture This.” Have a drawing you’d like to share? Want to throw your own kids under the bus for a little light-hearted critique by yours truly? Email them over to me!