Kids Picture This: The Self Portrait

Time for another weekly segment of “Kids Picture This.”  The concept is simple.  I find kids drawings.  I then critique them. Sometimes I critic them. Get it?  Let’s go…


Picture # 1 – Enough with the demands, Little Sammy!  You keep it blue, I’m busy!  And not for nothing, but Lake Erie looks like a Caribbean puddle or like a Smurf “went to town” all over the place.  I’ll just assume it’s blue.  Lake Erie is in the United States and, therefore, wouldn’t be blue.  Ugh.  So dumb.  You’re probably the same kid that makes raindrops and tears blue, aren’t you?  I asked you a question, answer me.  And way to be extra lazy too.  “Keep the Lake This Color.”  What color would that be?  I’m confused because you wrote that in orange marker so, uh, do you want us to keep this lake orange?  Like we’ll toss a few hundred thousand bags of Cheeto’s in there and see what happens?  I’m all for that.  Oh, you’re talking about the “blue” that is the lake.  I get it.  The arrow really helped me out with that.  Had the arrow not been there I would have not known where on the page the actual lake was so, well, thanks for that.  Now I don’t want to burst your bubble (which I’ll just assume you would color blue, as well), but uh that “62” that was written by an adult on your drawing…..yeah, that’s your grade…..out of 100.  Yeesh.  You ok?  62 out of 100.  Unless the scale as changed, that’s pretty much a D-.  D-.  You basically are just passing “Art” by the skin of your yellow baby teeth.  However I think I can help you.  Now, if you draw a few rounded lines under the “lake” and then write “Kohler” on it, I think we can convince your teacher that you just drew a toilet.  Ironically, that’s the only water in the United States that may be blue.  Also, speaking of toilets, that’s pretty much where your art career is heading so I’d switch to math of science or something.  Maybe puppetry?  Do they still offer that as course work?


Picture # 2 – Oh my poor little girl.  Yowza.  Tyra would have a field day with this.  Ladies and Gentlemen, this is a self portrait of Abigail.  Actually, I don’t know if that’s her name or if it really is “Abigeh.”  Something tells me it’s “Abigeh.”  Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, Abigeh is apparently a sock puppet penis with a green nail going in and out of her head.  Seriously, this is what she sees when she looks in the mirror?  A sock puppet penis?  Yeah, when your drunken stepdad calls you a “dickhead” he doesn’t mean it literally.  Maybe he does.  I wasn’t there.  I don’t know his intentions.  And nice beaded necklace that you lovingly strapped around your shaft.  In about 15 years that’s going to take on a whole new meaning and if I were to explain that I’m pretty sure I’d have to register as a Level 2, possibly a Level 3 and, well, that’s not a gamble I’m willing to take just to educate you.  You know what I mean?  And why are you giving me the side-eye?  Is it because there’s a flying heart with wings coming after you?  Yeah you’re going to want to contact a clinical psychologist for that.  I won’t be able to help with that.  If that flying heart with wings starts talking to you, don’t be surprised if you wake up strapped to a bed and eating Jello out of a crazy straw.  Although, Abigeh, I am seeing good things for you in your future as you currently have newscaster hair and that is a highly coveted high paying job so, you know, start practicing reading from a teleprompter while you’re strapped to that bed.

Well that concludes a touching segment of “Kids Picture This.”  Have a drawing you’d like to share?  Want to throw your own kids under the bus for a little light-hearted critique by yours truly?  Email them over to me!

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