Time for another weekly segment of “Kids Picture This.” The concept is simple. I find kids drawings. I then critique them. Sometimes I critic them. Get it? Let’s go…
Picture # 1 – What the F do you, little Jimmy, see when you look up in the sky? Because if that’s the “moon” that you see I going to have to have your parents take you to the therapist and have them have you point on the doll where someone touched you. Since when is the moon flat….and have have red on it? Does that moon have a blood clot because, well, that is the only explanation I can think of. And, yeah, I haven’t been to a history class in a while but I’m almost positive that the astronauts were not naked when they landed on the moon. Oh, and they weren’t Smurf’s either, but thanks for using your “sky blue” Crayola crayon in your box of 64. Now I know you’re saying that Americans sent a spaceship to the moon and then landed on it, but can you please explain, in intricate detail, where the black dinosaur comes into play? Did dinosaurs originate on the moon? The answer to that, little Jimmy is “no, no they did not.” I’m also not sure why said dinosaur is projectile vomiting, but I’ll just chalk it up to you being an only child and your parents telling you how great you are every single day. I’m sure you always get a trophy even when you lose, is that right little Jimmy? It is. You can say it. It is. In closing, the moon looks like hell. And I mean actual hell. Like the place you go when you talk back to your parents or say the Lord’s name in vain. I hope you’re comfortable with this because odds are that you’ll be spending quite a bit of eternity there. I’m kidding. You’ll be spending all of eternity there.
Picture # 2 – Disclaimer: This drawing was emailed to me and I was informed that this is supposed to be George Washington chopping down the cherry tree. Continuing on. Who knew our founding father, George Washington, loved to wear pink capri pants? Certainly not me. Although I did always hear the rumor that he would sit in the barbers chair and ask for “The Betty White” which apparently they nailed, as George has a yellowy-white tight perm. Little “Susie” really went all out with this drawing. I’m sure she drew herself into a coma. I mean, great work with not coloring in the tree trunk, the leaves, the shirt, or the pants. Oh and since when do shoes look like a “6” and a backwards “6.” Perhaps that was the style back then. Ugh, and that tree is the pits. It looks as fake as the tree did during the opening ceremony in the Olympics this past week. Other things that I can’t seem to get my mind around is why George Washington is trying to chop down this white cherry tree with a pink boomerang or, most importantly, why George Washington is dry-humping this tree. I mean he’s really getting a firm grip on that trunk. If this was like a flipbook, you’d see George going to absolute town on it. Well at least he’s smiling and having, apparently, the time of his life. Maybe it’s his new outfit? One may never know.
Well that concludes a touching segment of “Kids Picture This.” Have a drawing you’d like to share? Want to throw your own kids under the bus for a little light-hearted critique by yours truly? Email them over to me!