Time for another weekly segment of “Kids Picture This.” The concept is simple. I find kids drawings. I then critique them. Sometimes I critic them. Get it? Let’s go….
Picture # 1 – Ugh. Is there nothing worse than a kid with future plans? Terrible. Well, then there’s Sean and his future plans. What I first assumed was a hospital bed placed on two red tomatoes apparently is his idea for a motor bike? Sean, who writes like a future stalker, writes, “When I grow up I want to buy a motor bike and drive it on the road.” Really? The road? Where else are you supposed to drive it? The Coliseum? Actually, you apparently think that your hospital bed on tomatoes is supposed to be driven directly up to the sky. Yeah, that’s likely. Just be careful to not smack your “motor bike” into that yellow “truck” that missing all its walls and has a black paperclip for headlights. And blue wheels? Really Sean? When’s the last time you saw blue wheels? Is this a truck of the future? Well you better pray the world really does end in 2012 because your future looks like an acid-trip-nightmare. And what the hell is a “motor bike” anyway? You’re from England aren’t you? I can just tell by the way you’re elegantly sitting on your “motor bike.” At first I thought it was an ant-farm, but evidently this is what you think you look like. Good luck affording that “motor bike” when you grow up, but I don’t think bagging groceries at the Stop-n-Shop is going to pay enough for you to purchase your “futuristic mode of transportation to the sky.” Good luck and don’t forget to wear a helmet!
Picture # 2 – Watch out, kids, for the basketball head that cries tears of blood from its mouth! Little Billy’s mother clearly drank a 12-pack and smoked like a chimney while in her first and second trimester because I’m sensing a bit of the old brain damage. Why this basketball is crying and wearing a florescent yellow Maxi Pad on his head is something I’m not quite able to comprehend. Maybe the basketball head is crying tears of blood from its mouth because it’s teething? And, of course, by “teething” I mean “sprouted what appear to be 210 teeth. I stopped counting once I got sidetracked by the blue spider and the red bird (??) that seems to be carrying a saw in its mouth. I can’t even begin to know what Little Billy’s dreams must be like. I feel like it must consist of a lot of talking objects with wonky eyes and lots of teeth. And why it has one eye that is all bugged out like it’s on a meth binge is something I’m currently discussing with the proper authorities at Child Services. Now is it the basketball head that “released its seed” in the right bottom corner of the drawing or would that be from the spider? Something tells me that in a few years Little Billy is going to be taking a few of those to the face. Oh and way to go all out with the nose, Billy. Nothing like just drawing a crooked “J” and then just calling it a day. We don’t want you to strain yourself after all. And the last time I checked your eyebrows don’t grow directly into the eyeball itself. Hopefully that flying bird-saw can shave off a little of that. See you in prison!
Well that concludes a touching segment of “Kids Picture This.” Have a drawing you’d like to share? Want to throw your own kids under the bus for a little light-hearted critique by yours truly? Email them over to me!