Time for another weekly segment of “Kids Picture This.” The concept is simple. I find kids drawings. I then critique them. Sometimes I critic them. Get it? Let’s go…
Picture # 1 – Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Everyone pull their cars over to the right because the dildo-mobile is racing up the street to break up, what I can only assume is, an all male orgy. This cast of characters is like a mix between the Village People and NYPD Blue. The construction worker in the middle is clearly doing the YMCA whilst he craps out stick of dynamite and the guys to the left of him are possibly doing the “Paso Doble.” 10! It looks like the “Polices” are the guys who are wearing blue trucks without tires on their head. And they all look real busy, especially the two Polices who are making out in the back of the dildo mobile and the one Polices who is humping either a street cone or a dunce hat on the trunk. It’s a real toss up and only science can help us one day decipher this. I don’t think it’s official Police procedure to hog tie a guy on the ground and then do sex to him in front of all the other Polices, but then again I’m not cop and I don’t know all of their rules. I do, however, think it’s a nice change of pace for the Polices car to be so multicolored. I mean, do you know how many times people get speeding tickets because a cop car is hidden on the side of the road? Well apparently those days are gone because everyone is going to be able to see the lime green and bright blue exterior with new purple siren lights and matching hub cap party bus from about 10 miles away! I’m also liking their new uniforms. “Blue” is so 1900 – 2009. 2010 and beyond is all about a lime green purse (??) and red lipstick holder. And, clearly, “Open Up” is the new “You have the right to remain silent.” The future scares me. A lot.
Picture # 2 – This is exactly what happens when you allow your kids to eat Fruity Pebbles. Little Sandy, the Queen of All Colors, is so excited! Perhaps it’s because, per usual, she’s taller than her house? Perhaps it’s because she’s coming back from a comical visit at the cemetery that just happens to be in her front yard? The sun seems pleased. Perhaps it’s because she took a piss between the cemetery and her house and did it in front of the ghost that’s just about to greet her? Maybe it’s because the letter “P” is holding her leg up? Most likely, though, it’s because Little Sandy is a paranoid schizophrenic with a strong case of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and a side of turrets. The teacher probably simply asked her to draw a picture of sunset and this is what Little Sandy came up with. It’s kind of impressive that she got all of these things in one picture in the time given since I’m sure Little Sandy spends the majority of her time poking the boy sitting next to her with a freshly sharpened #2 pencil and snorting when she giggles all whilst asking the teacher if she can go to the bathroom 15 times in the hour. Even when her desk is dragged out of the classroom and placed in the hallway, Little Sandy kept drawing her “sunset.” She never gives up. Even when she tries to run from the teacher, she keeps drawing…and stabbing people with pencils…and giggle snorting….and asking to go to the bathroom….all day….every day….for the second consecutive year in a row….because she repeated the 3rd grade….twice…..and most likely will again next year…..and the year after that…..until the teacher just passes her because she fears for her own life and sanity.
Well that concludes a touching segment of “Kids Picture This.” Have a drawing you’d like to share? Want to throw your own kids under the bus for a little light-hearted critique by yours truly? Email them over to me!