Kids Picture This: Soapbox Threats

Time for another weekly segment of “Kids Picture This.”  The concept is simple.  I find kids drawings.  I then critique them. Sometimes I critic them. Get it?  Let’s go…


Picture # 1 –  Well isn’t this quite the interesting self portrait.  I’d like to use this child’s name but, apparently, they just wrote in a few of the letters that they knew.  Now I’ve never seen a Smurf with a combover like that before, but then again I’ve never seen a a robots erection coming out of its second ass that just happens to be directly next to its body.  Call me close minded.  Little Ms L’Banca (??) is clearly showing us what living through the nuclear holocaust will look like.  The sun turns into an exploding asshole and your feet are replaced with two short sticks so, well, good luck walking.  And looks like they really went all out with that rainbow.  I mean, they used over 2 colors.  Brick Red and just regular red.  What an imagination!  You better hope you’re good with Math and Science because any form of an artistic career isn’t happening.  And does their t-shirt say “smelly?”  That’s odd since this person, who is clearly catatonic, is missing their nose, but the detail in the teeth is exquisite.  I think I see over 4 teeth in that mouth.  I’m sure they’re from the south.  What?  Just sayin’.  Well, anyway, I hope that whole nuclear holocaust thing works out for you.  Now stop staring at me!


Picture # 2 – And the award for “girl most likely to be knocked up by 17” goes to….Yasmine!  Good job sweetie.  I’m not sure you can hear me all the way up there on your soapbox.  You know what?  No one needs to hear your take on pollution.  Actually, scratch that.  We may need to hear it as I can barely read it.  Bubble letters?  Really?  And looks like you misjudged just how long your message was going to be, huh?  This is what the whole thing looks like to me:  “Pollurion 15 Like Fire Ir Kioo5 Pieasf Keep Earrl Cleo.”  Seriously it’s like a signal for the al qaeda to declare jihad again on the United States.  That’s it, I’m automatically adding your name to the “no fly” list.  Done and done.  And you know what?  Your message is just a bit dramatic.  Oh boo hoo.  Pollution is like fire, it kills.  Does it?  Sure, maybe over long stretches of time, but can you give me the names of the people who lost their houses to pollution?  Or can you give me the recipe for Smores that can made over a little bit pollution?  See what I mean there, Yasmine?  Ok?  You’re not going to scream and then have to stop, drop, and roll if you encounter a little pollution.  Now stop that this minute before your mom and dad give you up for adoption.  I mean, the economy still craps the bed and, well, you still piss the bed so it’s actually not looking too good for you.  Now run off to recess.  That’ll be all.

Well that concludes a touching segment of “Kids Picture This.”  Have a drawing you’d like to share?  Want to throw your own kids under the bus for a little light-hearted critique by yours truly?  Email them over to me!

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