As always I’d like to preface this by saying that I know I’m going to burn in the fiery pits of hell for finding some comedy in certain episodes of Intervention. I know I’m a bad person. I know I don’t have a heart. I know. I try to not find the entertainment watching this, but I fail. I fail every time. I’ve especially failed in the season premiere of Intervention that was on last night.
Just when I was beginning to yawn over another alcoholic or another meth addict or someone with a fancy gambling problem mixed with heroin addiction, Intervention really started to freshen things up. Enter Linda. Linda is addicted to Fentanyl lollipops, which is 100 times more potent than morphine. She eats 7 of these lollipops per day like she’s seeing how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop due to the fact that she has a disease where her joints constantly become disjointed. Yeah, I was a little confused too.
You see, it all started when Linda moved away from her Chinese family when she was 26 due to the fact that they made her work at their laundromat from 8am – 9pm, 7 days a week, when she was a little kid. Hey, it beats sewing Nike tags into shirts, but I digress. Linda packed it up and headed to Los Angeles to try her hand in acting. She claims she was in over 200 movies and television shows. She prides herself on living in the same apartment complex that Kelly Clarkson lived in when she moved to LA and also playing basketball with Brooke Shields on the set of Alley McBeal. Seriously, what? Linda was leaving the set one day when she realized she was constantly dislocating her body. I, of course, picture a Gumby type situation.
So even if this is true, the crazy-train takes a sharp right turn when we discover that Linda’s brother Sam has been taking care of her for the past 8 years (paid by her parents) because Linda cannot be around people who are covered with electricity, come too close to her, etc. She can’t walk on the grass because she claims it hurts. She can’t walk by the flowers her mother planted in her front yard because she screams in pain when she does that. She’s can’t take left turns outside of her bedroom because that hurts too. You know what doesn’t seem to hurt? When Linda puts on music and makes up crazy dance moves. That seems to feel just fine. However, boys and girls, the BEST part for me is when Linda lays on her front lawn and does spread-eagle thrusts into the air in order to make her hips feel better. Literally, she opens and closes he legs like scissors on her front lawn. Oh, and she’s missing a ton of teeth too…in case that helps paint the pictures a little more clear for you. Oh, and one year at Christmas she made her entire family wear maroon colored clothing because it “hurt less.”
Linda’s parents have spent over $500,000 to help Linda….but not with medical treatment, etc. They’ve spent that on things she convinces them makes her feel better. This includes a jacuzzi, a state of the art bed, a house, and my personal favorite, a $5,000 dentist chair. No typos here, ladies and gentlemen. It does say “dentist chair.” Ironic, since she is missing half of her teeth.
Linda’s dad lets the cat out of the bag and lets her know that he and her mom are in California and staying at a hotel. Even though he tells her this over the phone, Linda screams because she can feel his electricity. She ends up going to the hotel and banging on the “ballroom” door that her mother is being interviewed in for the show. As a sidenote, they have her sitting in front of a tiny blue background that has been duct-taped to the wall like when you would get your school pictures taken in 5th grade. I sorta wished she was sitting in front of the laser background, but enough of my hopes and dreams. On to the Intervention!
Oh kids. Just when you think the good old intervention, itself, is getting predictable….not this time! Linda loses her sh*t like nobodies business. She doesn’t want to enter the room because of all the electricity and when she almost bumps into her brother she starts screaming and running down the hall of the hotel whilst continuing the screaming. The chase ensues. Everyone is running after the crazy screaming chick with cameras and boom mics while she heads to the parking lot like we’re watching an episode of COPS. She climbs into her minivan and then out the sunroof, down the windshield, on the hood…and then the chase continues. At this point I’m waiting to see Wile. E. Coyote have an anvil dropped on his head whilst all this is taking place. One brother tries to get her to stop, but they all just keep running after her….that is until the other brother, Sam, actually tackles her to the ground. I love an Intervention on the go!
In the end, the Intervention takes place outside on the lawn while Linda is literally doing her spread-eagle-thrusts again in front of her family. The mother is of no use and they send her away because, for the first time ever I believe, she is ruining the intervention. The father reads a letter to Linda and it speaks of birds and flying, etc. I have no idea.
Linda kinda just says “yes” to go seek treatment and they toss her in the van. Here’s where I get more confused. Linda goes to a detox place so she can get off the drugs and then she is diagnosed with a delusional disorder and sent to a resident treatment facility. Her brother Sam moved home with his parents. That’s it. Really. It is. I was like, what?! I backed up my Tivo to read it again, but I read it right the first time. This is how they ended it. So is Linda legit crazy and in a home now or what? If they don’t have an update on what Linda is up to now I’m going to be pissed. I was totally let down by this. Usually at the end they show the person in their second month of rehab and how they’re doing. They usually dye their hair a horrible blonde, but that’s besides the point. What is Linda up to now? Someone help me. I feel empty not knowing.