Remember how in the Bible Jesus talks about doing to others as you would like done to you? Well buckle up, trash bags, because I’m pretty sure it’s time to make fun of some poor little girls thanks to a show I like to call “Toddlers and Tiaras.” Oh wait, that’s just what it’s called. Therefore, I’d like to now refer to it as, “Amber Alert: Back of the Milk Carton Babies.” It has a nice ring to it.
I have to admit I’ve never watched this show before as I feel the level of reality show I must watch needs to center around 16 year old girls who gave it up and now have a baby and a hit show. But sometimes it’s nice to broaden our horizons and raise the bar. And lower it all at the same time. So let’s chat about the latest crapisode:
All of the girls in this episode are from the part of Georgia where there are a lot of rusty tin roofs, shoeless dirty children walking aimlessly up a dirt road by themselves and carrying a stick whilst a rabid cat slowly and crookedly walks behind them, and all the moms are obese monsters where they just get out of the shower and brush their wet hair until it dries. In a nutshell, it’s heaven. Not to be confused with Heaven. We’ll get to her in a minute. But let’s start with the light of my life. Meet Alana. She’s 6 years old. She’s old enough to know how to play it up for the cameras, yet young enough to not realize that a man had actual sexual intercourse with her mother. Meet her mother, June. She’s named June because she’s as hot as the month and, let’s face it, memorizing how to spell something over 4 letters is just a set up for failure. Notice how Alana’s name consists of mainly just “A’s?” Exactly. Alana is filled with personality which is ideal in her situation because, you know, we’ve seen her family tree and, well, it ain’t pretty. She’s basically the white version of Gary Coleman with brilliant catch phrases such as, “A dollar makes me holler, honey boo boo” and “Those other girls must be crazy if they think they’re gonna beat me honey boo boo child.” She’s kinda like what would have happened to Shirley Temple if Shirley’s mother hit the sauce, pulled her out of show-biz, and got really trashy really quick. And you know what? I’m ok with all of that.
If it’s one thing we learned so far is that pageants are expensive, y’all! So June is forced to cater to her obsessive compulsive behavior of cutting coupons and turning her double-wide into Cosco. No joke she has store shelves lining her kitchen with enough deodorant, soap, and toilet paper to last her family 3 lifetimes, yet something tells me that we’ll never see those shelves empty. What I like the best about June is that she constantly sports the standard fat woman’s silk blouse, you know, the one that hangs from the Walmart rack on a thick white plastic hanger in the “intimates” department? She’s definitely a MILF (Mother is Laughing Fatly). June’s husband looks like he lost his will to live so is just rolling with the punches. Not only does he have to literally lift her stomach during delicate sexy times, but he’s forced to go along with this whole pageant lifestyle. And what’s not to love, really? I mean, June’s face is the length of her arms and at one point during her one-on-one interview she just lets out Taco Bell-style belch after she answers one of her question. It’s like the Match profile writes itself.
There are some other future cashiers girls who are trying their best to win the Precious Moments pageant as well. There’s a girl named Heaven who lives in a trailer with a busted front porch and a mother who you totally know is considered the “hot one” in the neighborhood. She has a husband named Benny, but since this is Georgia we’re talking about it’s pronounced “Binny.” Heaven has decided that for her “dress of choice” competition she’ll be dressed up as Pinocchio and her step-dad will help her out on stage, which makes complete sense because when it’s time for the swimsuit competition his nose is likely to grow. Speaking of pervs, did anyone check out the gross old men in the audience? You can spot the Level III’s by their dead giveaway prison eyeglasses and hand down their pants whilst their other hand holds up a 1988 Sony Camcorder with duct tape around the hand strap. It’s just your standard game of Pedophile Bingo at this point and we’re about to play a coverall.
There’s some other chick named Laci. Her mom was likely rejected from MTV’s Teen Mom, but that won’t stop her will to make it on the reality TV, y’all. Laci seems the most normal, which makes her a bit of a snooze. Although her mom is having her dress up as Lady Gaga in two different segments of the competition, although they only made one segment as they couldn’t get the raw meat pinned to her bikini in time. And, no, I’m not joking. Luckily they did make the segment where they put a blond fright wig on Laci and put her in a giant bedazzled shoe (?) and spilled her out on stage just in time to kinda-sorta lip-sync to some Lady Gaga song that you know TLC doesn’t have the rights to. Laci really let her mom down earlier in the day by sneaking away, which forced her parents to pull a “Brady Bunch Goes to the Grand Canyon” and basically just yell, “Bobby? Cindy?” in the parking lot looking for her. Um, I’d count the remaining Level III’s in the audience and then work back from there. P.S., is it a standard practice to try and make all these little girls look like Kim Zolciak because I’m pretty sure if that’s the case then Kim should have some residuals coming her way.
Regardless of all the girls, America’s favorite is clearly Alana. From her dressed up as a slutty Jessica Simpson with her gut hanging out (so, basically still Jessica Simpson) to her mom screaming at her during “practice” to point to her belly so the judges can see her dress, Alana is the rotten apple of my eye. I mean, I assumed her mom wanted her to keep pointing to her belly because she’s perfecting her daughters audition tape for 16 & Pregnant: 2022. When Alana wouldn’t point to her belly and June said, “Stop! Let me show you.” I basically shut the laptop on my penis and sprayed Bleach in my eyes with my “Bleach Spray For Emergency Situations Only!” plastic bottle. The best part about Alana, clearly, is “everything” but I love how during all her one-on-one interviews you could hear the producers actually laughing after all of her answers. I assume a similar situation will happen once Alana tries out the work-force in 10 more years. Perhaps she should down a couple of chugs of “Go-Go Juice” prior to an interview. For those of you in the dark, “Go-Go Juice” is the drink of choice that June gives to Alana right before she needs to get on stage. They make it seem like it’s a secret formula, but let’s face it, it’s clearly a Mountain Dew bottle with the label sloppily ripped off. Evidently 5 bags of Pixie Sticks doesn’t work anymore. Plus, that’s for babies. No really, that was the 3-5 yr olds competition. Alana is now in the 6-8 yr olds so she needs to start her addiction in a more ladylike manner.
In the end, Heaven won the title of “Most Likely To Point on a Doll Where Her Stepdaddy Touched Her” and Alana only won the “You Have the Right to Remain Silent” trophy. As my sister once said, “This actually exists. There are parts of the country where people like this actually exist. This isn’t made up. It’s like a different world. I love it.” We’ll most likely update that quote to include “honey boo boo child.” #ChildhoodObesityFTW