Throw away your tooth brush and grab a six-pack of donuts because it’s time for another episode of Here Come Honey Boo Boo or as “no one” calls it “HCHBB.” Maybe that will catch on by Season 2, which there better be one. You know what I love about this show? Everything. Similar to the way I live my life, there is no rhyme or reason. And now I don’t want to upset anyone here, but whilst I do love me some Alana (in a healthy adult-male way) I think I want to say that I love Mama the most. It feels good to say it. Anyway, be sure to click here to join me on my Facebook page so we can trash it up like “The Sugars.”
Who says you don’t learn anything from watching television? Well school is in session and Professor Mama is teaching us all a little bit about couponing. It’s similar to tamponing but, you know, with a lot less blood. Mama June loves to coupon. As you can see from her “home” there are hundreds of thousands of rolls of toilet paper and laundry detergent stacked floor to ceiling. I mean, it covers up most of the wood paneling. June wants to make sure there is always plenty of toilet paper because she wants her girls to make sure they always “wipe your too-tay.” Something tells me that with all that extra laundry detergent not being used and toilet paper never removed from the package the entire “The Sugars” family have enough skid marks in their underwear to qualify for a dirt-bike race. Anychins, June thinks that couponing is “better than sex” and, well, there goes my dinner. Thinking of June doubling down on Sugar Bears “cub” is enough to make me sterile. At least I think that’s how it works. I mean, it’s not going to shoot confetti anymore like Santa Claus told me it would. I jest. I will still shoot as much confetti as an episode of Xuxa.
Whilst at the Piggly Wiggly, which I believe is Latin for: White Trash Supermarket, June talks to the camera man in the parking lot and explains all the joy of couponing. In fact she alerts us that one woman loved couponing so much she equated it to being on crack and starts convulsing in the aisle. and saying “give me my crack rock.” Oh June, you poor simpleton. That woman actually was on crack. How else do you explain her entire cart filled with Dunkeroo’s? As if things couldn’t get sexy enough, June is trying to do math to figure out how much money she’ll save by using her coupon on life-essentials like 3,000 packets of chocolate milk mix. As she tries to multiply she looks off to the right and starts playing the “alphabet game” with her tongue. Something tells me Sugar Bear is going to get cleaned like a cat tonight! Ow! Ow! Other fun things happen at the Piggly Wiggly as well like Pumpkin falling out of her shopping cart (or BUGGY like Alana likes to yell during her one on one interview) and later the Bad News Bears find some rust remover and think it will work on…wait for it…wait for it…induce vomiting…wait for it…Mama’s neck crust. Seriously, puke. Apparently since June is a bit on the husky side and has a couple of hundred chins and such, she has actual neck crust. Luckily for the American public, June decides to show it to us and, yep, it’s there. Like Jesus Claus, it’s always with us. Don’t fret none, however, because June lets us know that she hasn’t really let herself go too much and still looks great. Evidently June doesn’t realize we as reviewers can actually see her through the magic of sight. Oh, and bonus points if you noticed the Justin Bieber-ish cashier that is almost as glitzy as Glitzy…if ya know what I mean. Insert sidewards winky face here.
While after 16 consecutive weeks the Olympics may be over, that doesn’t mean the deep south got the memo. Since it’s hotter than Mama’s FUPA outside everyone is trying to find new and exciting ways to cool off. So it only makes sense that they find a tarp on the side of the house and then add baby oil and soap to it to make their very own redneck Slip-n-Slide. It’s legit about 3×3 and they only get to slide on it for less than 1 second before cutting up their knees on the burnt grass, but they have fun nonetheless. Sadly Mama didn’t take a turn on the Slip-n-Slide. I was really disappointed because I was hoping for all the neighbors (aka passersby on the train) to shout out “Hey Kool-Aid!” as Mama made her way across the tarp and, eventually, falling into China. Ohhhh yeah! And was it just me or did Chickadee go “pregnant stomach first” across the tarp? And that, my friends, is what I like to call a White Trash Cost Effective Abortion. Although typically I think they’re supposed to give you a shot of bleach, spin your forehead around a baseball bat 10 times and then dive across the rusty tarp. Then you sit in a trash barrel for upwards of 25 minutes until nature takes its course. Too much? What? You learn here. I am a teacher.
Later Alana heads off to her dance school which I’m almost certain is in a barn. Her instructor is as frightening as you imagined she would be. She has a face full of makeup on and a haircut that shouts, “Little boys regular, please!” as she sat in in the barbers chair. The instructor teaches Honey Boo Boo all sorts of giant facial expressions and shoulder shimmies. At least if she doesn’t win beauty pageants, by the time she’s older she’ll be great at doing all sorts of things with her mouth. You see what I’m getting at? No? Oh, I mean she’ll blow for money. Now that we’re all on the same page, let’s move on. My favorite part, of course, is when the teacher explains to Alana that she’ll be doing an Elvis dance for her pageant and wants to know if Alana knows who Elvis is. Honey Boo Boo simply answers, “Elvis is Santa Claus’ helper.” I immediately high-fived myself and then went to make a sandwich. Speaking of getting fat, later we also learn that Chubbs lost 2 pounds and Mama lost 6 pounds. She hopes to be down to 270 pounds by the end of the summer because she doesn’t want to lose too much because “that’s not healthy.” Because at the end of the day you want to befriend Diabetes and not run from it. Oh, and Glitzy the gay pig took a Shasta McNasty right there on the kitchen table, you know, where a pig belongs. Alana lets us know that “the piggy oooo’d” on the table. Aww you know you’re poor when you can’t even afford the “P” in “poo.”
In the end it’s time for Chickadee’s baby shower and it’s as trashtastic as you would have thought. It’s held at Mama’s mamas house and we get a sneak peak into June’s past by seeing pictures of her from high school. It wasn’t her graduation picture, however, because June had to drop out due to a case of the “pregnants” but she did get her GED (Give Everyone Donuts) so that she could make something of her life. June discusses what men really want during her one on one interview. She tried to let Chickadee know that men just want a “piece of the biscuit” and then they’re outta there after that. That explains why Chickadee’s baby-daddy is no longer in the picture. Apparently he couldn’t resist that high-society biscuit and peaced out soon as Chickadee announced it was more than just a FUPA. The baby shower includes chugging beer out of baby bottles to see who could finish first. Mama spit hers out from laughing. Perhaps if she was better at sucking she wouldn’t have had so many kids. More on that later.
I have to say, the second crapisode was much better than the first. It all centers around the “big date’ that Sugar Bear is taking Mama on for their 8th anniversary. Now it’s not their wedding anniversary, as they are not married. It’s been 8 years since they’ve been “dating.” Did you know that Sugar Bear is the baby daddy of Alana, but not the rest of them? At least he got the best one. June explains that the other kids have other “daddies.” Father’s Day dinner must be a real “who’s who” of the neighborhood!
Mama takes the girls to the spa for the day so she can get ready for her date. Truth be told the spa looks like a garage that was painted green, but who am I to judge? Sure they give you a tetanus shot on your way out, but that’s just how they roll in the south. It’s like a handshake. Mama and Honey Boo Boo get facials and “s’mages” as Alana likes to call them, while the girls end up getting pedicures. I can barely even talk about this part. I threw half of my sandwich away in the trash while this part was on. Oh and by “in the trash” I of course mean “down my throat.” Apparently (puke) the girls have some foot issues that don’t need to be discussed, but Mama has the worst feet of them all. We don’t get to actually see them because she is so embarrassed of them. Apparently when Mama was a little 285 pound petite flower a forklift ran over her foot and mangled her toes. I mean. What can you even say? Isn’t that pretty much a right of passage in Georgia? So for all of you that made fun of her weight I hope you’re happy now. This is why Mama probably can’t exercise. Although I’m almost certain she can now use her foot as a forklift to get all those paper towels, toilet paper, and laundry detergent stacked up in her dining room. Efficient! Mama does, however, get her sweaty white sock painted because that’s how “the poors” get a pedicure in my opinion. They used a paint roller instead of a nail polish brush. #EasyFatJokesFTW
Later we learn that Sugar Bear thought it was love at first sight when he saw Mama. Mama, on the other hand, thought it was “bed” at first sight. And thus proves my theory that there is a lid for every pot. I mean at the end of the day, Sugar Bear was able to get “with erection” from simply looking at a nude June and June wanted what Sugar Bear was “selling.” Equal parts disgust all around! After the girls do up Mama’s makeup and brush through her rats nest, it’s time for the big date. Like Glitzy, I squealed with delight when I realized their anniversary date took place at a “restaurant” called “Crockett’s Cafeteria.” Thank you sweet baby Jesus and his teen mom Mary! This is the type of place where you stand up and walk over with your plate and they just put food directly on it and then you walk it back. It’s like a prison line. I can’t. Since it’s a special day Mama gets to have three desserts, one of which is a Jello cup. Let me repeat that. One is a Jello cup. No, not homemade Jello in a glass or anything. I’m talking about a Jello cup that you buy in the supermarket. Mama tries to feed Sugar Bear the Jello and I die inside. I’m kidding. I was already dead inside years ago once The Hills started to air. Sugar Bear lets us know that because it’s a special night June is trying to eat with a fork. Apparently she usually just uses her hands, but this time she’s trying to use a fork. Trying. Like, she hasn’t been able to fully master “fork use” yet. And he’s not even making this up. He was pretty honest whilst spitting dip into his plastic bottle.
After eating, Sugar Bear surprises June with a gift and a card. The card was simply signed, ‘Mike Sugar Bear.’ You totally know the cashier at the card store had to spell it all out for him, bless his heart. The gift was everything I thought it would be an more. If you guessed a pig statue, you’d be wrong. It was a deer statue. Deer. Statue. Evidently Mama didn’t love it that much, but Sugar Bear explains that there is a lot of meaning behind it because apparently he and June love to…are you ready for this….scoop up deer roadkill on the side of the road, clean it, freeze it, and then later cook it and eat it. Dear God! Like my sister always says, “‘There are people like this who actually exist.” And if my memory serves me I think we saw a roadkill deer on the side of the road at the beginning of this episode. Gulp! Something tells me that “the poors” will grab that dead dear and reenact Bambi for Alana since they probably can’t afford the movie. I jest. I’m sure once Disney opens up that damn vault, June will have a coupon for it. And as a sidenote, what’s up with that Disney Vault? They’re always like, “After 20 years we’re opening up the vault to bring you Cinderella.” Really? I have an idea, stop putting crap in the vault and just sell it. Like, always. Jesus, that high and mighty vault always pisses me off. Ok, I’m over it.
In the end, the girls toilet paper the entire house and June gets pissed because it’s wasted toilet paper and she could have wiped her “too-tay” for six months. And now she can’t? I’m confused. Later Alana ends up getting a new “glitz” dress because she outgrew her old one and don’t want her lady business showing to those in the crowd. I bet all the Level III’s are pissed right now. After Alana gets poked with the pins a dozen times, she gets sassified and all is right with the world. I mean, we as a country are now dumber, but at least Alana, Glitzy, and Mama are happy and, well, that’s all that matters.
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Episode Rating: 2 1/2 Mama’s Doing Her Crack Rock