Now I know I missed a couple of episodes since I was on “the vacation” and the like, but when the hell did Sugar Bear have to go to the hospital and what the hell was it for?! I know as “the writer” I should research this stuff, but since you’re lucky if I press “F7” to spell check this junk you know I’m not about to be bothered with the research portion of this “job.” Also, I’m really liking using quotes lately. Anyway, let’s just pretend that Sugar Bear is in the hospital for a penile implant. Well, not so much a new penis as much as June requesting it be turned into a cheese curl. Gross and puke all at the same time.
Whilst Sugar Bear is legit vacationing at the hospital for two weeks, the girls are left to manage the house since they’re not allowed to go visit him. They “say” that it’s because kids aren’t allowed, but my guess is that it’s immediate family only and, well, who has time to wait on the results for 4 different paternity tests? Am I making myself clear. As a sidenote I just joined the gym yesterday and it actually hurts to type. Like, it’s exhausting. I have no right to make fun of “the fats” any longer. I jest, of course I still can. I’m still half the size of Pumpkin. Bless her clogged heart. Moving on (again), Alana is busy mopping up the floor, which consists of dipping a filthy mop into the sink and then cleaning the floor…and then the counter…and then the fridge all with the same said mop. If you have wanted to see how diabetes was spread throughout a family, well, now you have a live demonstration. Ole!
For real I thought Sugar was about to die in the hospital because (A) who the hell checks in for two weeks and (B) he was barely moving the whole time. Hidden option “C” also made me think he was going to die because they kept playing “sad music” during all the hospital scenes. Something tells me the producers were hiding behind the bed with a portable Casio on his lap. Pardon me, or “her” lap. Right, like women can hold down employment legally in the United States. Oh, they can? Ahhh. Who knew? Time to update my Social Studies books I concur. By the way, “concur” is probably the biggest word I’ve used on this site (besides nevertheless) in over 6 years. It’s like we’re all learning and growing together.
You know there are two times during this 22 minute crapisode where I really thought, “You know, handsome, this family really loves each other” and the first time was during the hospital scene. June kept traveling back and forth from her home to the hospital to spend all of her time with Sugar Bear as he partially made his way to Jesus’ house. All he wants to do is to get better and spend the rest of his life with June and the girls (his words) and that, my friends, is why people like this hit the reality show jackpot. I’ve got into countless actual arguments with people who tee-off on me for watching this show and saying what a bad example they are, but I legit think they’re a great example. There, I said it. Now pay some of the money forward, Universe! I jest. I’m rich, b*tch.
Finally Sugar Bear is released from the hospital with a dirty bill of health and sent home to an even dirtier home. All the girls are so happy to see him as finding approval from a man now will save them years of pain and bad breakups in the future. Meanwhile, all the ladies of Sugar Manor have to go and try on bridesmaids dresses for the upcoming “commitment ceremony” that is contractually obligated by the end of the season. It’s a real dream to watch all the “girls” try on dresses as it’s doubtful they’ll be making it to their Prom one day. I also enjoy this because it’s just another reason for me to include some additional sayings from Mama June into my every day life. This time around Pumpkin comes out in a greenish-brown dress and Mama just shouts, “Doo Doo Brown!” If you watched it you know it was more like, “Doo Doo Brooooooooown!” And, either way, ba da ba ba ba I’m lovin’ it! All the girls stand awkwardly in their dresses, except Alana who claims she looks good in everything. I think it’s partial high self esteem and partially because anything, really, goes well with poverty. Enter in your standard, ‘Pumpkin’s feet stink, stank stunk” comments and you’ve got yourself quite the episode. Also, per usual, I had to throw away my sandwich mid-episode. However I think I broke a record because I got to eat for 11 full minutes before I had to throw everything away and drink bleach.
Since there’s no way to smoothly transition into this and now my shoulders are burning from (1) the gym and (2) doing the neutron dance, what the heck was up with Sugar Bear and Alana walking ON the train tracks by their house? I’m pretty sure we’ve seen trains going by on those tracks on the regular. And, God help me, if Alana gets pinned down by Casey Junior and they cancel this show I’m going to be pissed. Truth be told, how I just pulled Casey Junior out of my a** even impressed me. Bonus points if you remember that. Also, kill yourself at the same time. Ok fine, that was mean. We’ll murder-suicide together and then we’ll make it onto Dateline and all be famous! No for real, don’t do that. Some of you who follow me on Facebook I’m pretty sure would kill me if you could so I just want to throw that disclaimer out there. Do NOT kill me. My body, my choice. Seriously, what? Oh yeah, they walk on the train tracks and then sit on them while throwing rocks at the air. Safe!
In the end (hooray!) it’s time for Mama June’s “surprise” bridal shower at some “swanky” pizza place in the center of town that actually didn’t look that bad until they were forced upstairs where the “party goers” were hiding and sitting on metal folding chair all whilst trays of pizza and wings were brought out. Simple, yet elegant. Minus the elegant. Female married readers, check with your moms/family if they almost went into foreclosure paying for your bridal shower…and then show them this clip and watch them enter cardiac arrest. Everyone was having a grand old time and I started to nod off, but then suddenly sprang to life when we met a new character on this show. You know who I’m talking about. June’s sister (Doe-Doe) new boyfriend “Juan.” I mean. Gold. Doe Doe couldn’t be any more of a plain Jane white woman and Juan, well, Juan isn’t so much. He’s from Mexico and is the life of the party. At one point he tells June that he’s a “border jumper” but is having a great time. No joke, June has no idea how to interact with him and he’s just tossing out one-liners all the live-long-day. And he’s killing it! This, folks, what you’re witnessing is actually the America Dream. Or the new American Dream for that matter. Come to America, get some camera time on a reality show, and enjoy fame and fortune over night. For real, it’s my dream. Suddenly, Juan starts doing a little bit of the Cabbage Patch and then puts one arm around June (quite the feat) and says, “I love you.” Best. Scene. Ever. I sure hope to hell the brains at TLC are keeping a watchful eye over Juan because we need to see more of him STAT! Finally at the end, June actually starts crying because she’s so overwhelmed by her family and friends all being there for her. I think she’s also realizing that she has financially secured her future and the future of her children…and she did it unapologetically being herself.
More Recaps Please!