Nothing beats the dog days of summer quite like the start of America’s favorite reality show, “Here Comes Honey Blue Balls.” It seems like just yesterday we were introduced to Mama’s Family and, well, here we are again. It’s nice to see that even though fame and fortune have come their way, The Sugars are really still the same old family that we remember from last year. Sure Mama has gone all Hollywood by losing enough weight for her to tip the scales at a slender 204 and dyed her hair to a glowing Jessica Simpson yellow…but they’re still the same people. The train still nearly crashes into their house 16 times a day, but they’re still the same people. Sure they invested in one of those fancy stainless steel refrigerators that were all the rage circa 2006, but they’re still the same people. The one thing that has changed, however, is how Mama has apparently morphed into Sam Kinison. She is literally yelling so loud and so fast that the subtitles can barely keep up. At one point I thought I was at an auction and raised my paddle to bid. Oh and by “raising my paddle” I am of course talking about “my ding dong” or my “ding-a-ling” depending on how classy I feel like being. The good news is that I won that abandon broken down barn that had a sign that literally said, “PECHES” across it because, of course, it sold “peaches.” Why people get so caught up on spelling is beyond me. It’s really just a fad. It’s like, who reads and writes anymore anyway? Anything I need to truly say Google basically anticipates and fills things out for me. So basically The Sugars are innovators and paving the way of our future. Like you didn’t already know that.
The big take-away is that the girls aren’t keeping up with their chores, you know, like not taking a steaming Shasta McNasty in the middle of their bedroom and, you know, not catching diabetes on the regular so Mama June has decided to take their cell phones away. Since they seem to live in the part of town where crack dens are in fashion I figured she’d be locking up those phones in a safe (aka under the mattress), but since there seems to be an endless supply of empty cheese ball containers laying around the “parlor” that will have to do the trick. At one point Mama is looking at all the phones in the container and starts cracking herself up that a boy is calling Pumpkin, but she can’t answer because “the boy is in a cheese ball container.” She is laughing uncontrollably hard and I squeal with delight (shout out to Glitzy) because I embrace the fact that this is how Mama gets exercise. She officially is the human Shake Weight.
In order to entertain themselves everyone starts wrestling with each other. I don’t need the “Scratch n’ Sniff” cards that Us Magazine was handing out because watching these people wrestle in pilly clothing automatically smells like “poor” to me. Moreover, when your bare feet are that black from simply walking through your kitchen it’s pretty much time to move and/or start the application process for Hoarders. This is like watching cavemen mate. At one point Alana is at the bottom of a pile of siblings and I soon realized that she is basically the Baby Jessica of our generation. Unfortunately the bottom of the well was probably cleaner than the bottom of a pile of fats. Mama comes in hollering or quite possibly declaring jihad and signaling a terrorist attack and demands that the children stop wrestling so that she can take them to a professional wrestling match….if they’re good. Uh, how is that not a punishment? Everyone is practicing their own signature wrestling move and Honey Boo Boo’s is the classic “Cup-a-Fart.” For those of you new to wrestling a “Cup-a-Fart” is when you fart into your hand (which is in a cupping-like position) and then scoop up that newly fresh air into your opponents face. I’m sure you’re glad I explained that. I finally feel like my paid off student loans were all worth it. Anyjunk, everyone is into the Cup-a-Fart, especially Sugar Bear who performs his move at the wrestling match back stage. I’m not sure he so much farted as shat his dungarees. It was so loud that it pretty much straightened out his mouth and cleared the room all at the same time. A real two-for-one experience. Everyone laughs and Mama is totally smitten. Had it not been for her tucked in FUPA I’m sure we could actually witness her orgasm. Instead it just looked like a little kid wearing a sheet for his homemade Halloween costume. I have no idea what is going on at this point. All I do know is that the Taliban now has every right to “Cup-a-Fart” the United States directly off the map. No questions asked. As a sidenote, the wrestling match was everything you thought it would be an more. There were about 13 people in the audience (most without teeth, but none missing their gut hanging over their pants) and Chickadee (genuflect) was screaming at the wrestler and getting all up in his face. One guy from the audience starts yelling, “You can’t pick on a girl!” like he thought he was really making a difference in society. I mean, he was…kinda. I also shouted “more” and “bravo!” and “kill me” when they edited in Cup-a-Fart sound effects into the match whilst the wrestlers moved through the ring in slow motion. Yes folks, these people really do exist. As my sister always says in amazement, “There are actual parts of this country where people like this are real.” Truer words have never been spoken.
Later it’s like Christmas because The Sugars get an emergency call letting them know that a hog was just run over on the side of the road. This must be an actual thing because everyone starts chanting “Hog Jowl! Hog Jowl! Hog Jowl!” They load up the family into the car to go find it, clean it, skin it, chop it up, and bring it home to cook it. Makes sense to me! It’s kinda like when you’re at the bar 3 sheets to the wind and pick up someone else’s beer that’s been sitting there for God knows how long and drink it…realize it wasn’t yours…and then just finish drinking it because it’s “free.” So same/same. Therefore stop judging these people. Alana decides to name the pig Logan and I legit dry-heave for a total of 6 minutes. During her one-on-one interview Alana gives us her actual “Road Kill Wish List” in which she names animals she wishes she could find as road kill. I mean, she’s naming things like pigs, butterflies, goats, toads, and the like…and then she says, “Porcupines…you know so I can use their quills to pick my teeth!” Of course she said it screaming into the camera and like Nell Carter having a sass-off with “The Chief.” I stood up and slow clapped until my hands bled. The fact she even thought of that reminded me why I love her so much and the fact that knew the word “quills” reminded me why I loved America so damn much. Kiss it New Mexico! Oh wait.
In the end Mama makes the family Hoof and Beans with all the cut up parts of Logan. For the 3rd time in 20 minutes I dry-heaved and performed my own Cup-a-Fart ceremony right here in my very own apartment. They dump into a large pan various parts of the pig and then toss in many cans of beans where Mama and Alana “massage the meat” until I start seeing stars and pass out. Sugar Bear can’t get enough of this 5-star meal and I can’t get enough of this show. I mean, we’re hearing things like, “Ooooh did you get the tail?!” said with such envy as if someone got both Boardwalk and Park Place in a McDonald’s sweepstakes. Is it possible I gained weight simply by watching? I believe so. Nothing can top this episode off except the girls pouring oil all over the kitchen floor, taping trash bags up all over them, covering themselves up in an entire gallon drum of butter and then playing Red Neck Slip-n-Slide. With all that butter and oil being used, somewhere heading up a local KKK meeting Paula Deen is smiling from ear to ear, y’all!
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