wedding commitment ceremony between our delicate oriental flower, Mama June, and her life partner with a crooked everything, Sugar Bear. Personally I think Mama doesn’t want this to be an actual wedding because she doesn’t want all her Honey Boo Boo money to go wasted on things like gold-plated deer and the like. It’s a slippery slope. First you’re bringing home one deer and then the years pass and you’re bringing home multiple deer. Next thing you know your’e getting divorced and your partner needs all this crazy spousal support because they’ve grown accustom to this gold-plated-deer lifestyle. It’s really the oldest story in the book. That aside, June is trying to get in on the producer required festivities that include things like trying on a wide variety of wedding dresses at a store that’s in a strip mall. But first she has to finish writing out her hand-written invitations on old “thank you” cards with tons of cross-outs and misspellings. Why she’s not just standing in the front yard in her wedding dress ringing the triangle dinner bell and shouting, “TLC is here, y’all!” is beyond me. Although I’d still like my hand written invitation. Oh, the ceremony already took place? Rats.
Watching June try on wedding gowns is as magical as you could imagine. She’s in lace-up dresses, a knock-off of the dress that Kate Middleton wore (same/same), a dress that allows for her to show her crotch since she’s not wearing any underpants, and even a dress that is oddly called “Renee.” I’ll assume Zelwegger but I’ll have to think on that for a spell. A spell? Look at me talking like PWT, y’all! All the girls are voting via paddles (first subliminal message to Dancing With the Stars) and really having a grand old time. Pumpkin is having to much fun, in fact, that’s she’s farting and yelling doorknob all whilst her teeth are yellowing all at the same time. It’s a gift, really. Mama finally chooses a dress that she doesn’t really want but realizes that she wants it a different color since “white” means “wedding” and there’s just one other little issue. You see, she’s not pure. I don’t believe it. Not for one second. Oh wait, I thought by pure she meant “cleanly.” I think she meant that she has had sexual intercourse so, well, let’s stop right there because we’ve finally arrived at the first moment of the episode where I tossed my plate of food into the trash. Check please! I tell you, this Honey Boo Boo diet is working wonders for me. I mean, I barely eat a thing on Tuesday nights after 9pm. Although I can still fit in a shake and then a sensible meal later. Plus, I’m on Trim Spa baby (!) and I’m pretty sure the devil is talking to me so shhhhh.
No joke, I’m pretty sure June has no desire to get “married” at all. About 19 different times during the episode when she’s having her 1 on 1 interview in front of the train tracks (whilst she is coughing up and chewing phlegm – sick) she’s like, “I don’t know if I even want to do this. I don’t.” And you know what? I believe her. You think she wants the glitz and glamour of a backyard wedding? No sir-e-bob. She’s a simple woman. She has simple taste. She wears stretch pants and potato sacks for clothes. She still buys scrunchies. She’s a season away from probably a big banana clip purchase. She makes “sketti.” Suddenly she thinks TLC is turning her into one of those skanks from Sex and the City. In this instance, of course, she is the city. However, she’s a trooper and decides to learn how to dance with Sugar Bear since Alana wants to know what they’ll do for their first dance. I instinctively yelled out “Eat!” but evidently I was wrong. So after horsing around in the living room having what I can only assume is hard-core seizures, they decide to go to the dancing school (second subliminal message to Dancing With the Stars) where Alana first learned how to pout her lips and give peace fingers on the regular. June thinks she needs to lead and I’m pretty sure Sugar Bear thinks he’s still in the chalk mines. Or sleeping. Whichever requires less energy. The “lady” who is the dance instructor looks like she thinks she can “catch poverty” simply by interacting with them and, you know what, she can. I hope she gave herself a tetanus shot after they left because I did once the episode ended, as I usually do. I also rinse both my eyes and mouth with bleach and vomit anywhere from 16-57 minutes. Or until the timer goes off, whichever comes first.
In the end, Mama is really getting health conscious so she’s decided to cook up the cabbage soup diet in order to drop 50 pounds quickly (third subliminal message to Dancing With the Stars). After sneezing over everything habitually the cabbage soup diet is ready and the entire family is looking at it like Satan made it himself. Of course the first question is, “Hey is there any meat in it?” I mean God forbid the roadkill get the night off. Actually the soup didn’t really look that bad but Mama and Pumpkin are having a hard time with it. I’m pretty sure their bodies are actually rejecting the nutrients, which I wasn’t aware could happen until now. At one point I think they starts “cheers’ing” carrots and suddenly June needs to get up from the table to vomit. Hot. Sexy. Sexy and hot all mixed up into one blonde mess. June says the whole family is just “big boned” but that doesn’t explain Chickadee. I mean, this chick legit just gave birth and even at the height of her pregnancy she still weighed hundreds of thousands of pounds less than the rest of the family. How is that possible? And why won’t anyone talk about gastric bypass? Moreover, why do I care? All I know is that I still love this family with all my blackened heart and am pumped for the commitment ceremony.
More Reality Recaps Please!
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