I wanted to title this recap “I Can’t” and then just hit publish. Every now and then Jesus Claus and his teen mom, Mary, smile down upon me and bring so much joy to my life that it makes me want to introduce myself to all my neighbors. And not just because “the law” tells me I have to. I jest. I am not a sex offender. Although I find thinking about “Mama” and “Sugar Bear” doing sex offensive so same/same. Anychins, Alana from “Jon Benet’s and Tiaras” is back and whilst she hasn’t won any big pageants she has won her own show. And since I do my best work making fun of “the youngs” and “the poors” I find it fitting that I shall be recapping the absolute Go Go Juice out of this show. It’s everything I knew it would be and more right off the bat. I mean, you have obesity. Check. Poor people. Check. Multiple chins on singular people. Check. Sub-titles constantly. Check. Nicknames for every person in the family. Check. And southern accents. Check. Did I mention obesity? Like Heinz gravy with lumps, it’s in there.
Before we can even make it into the crapisode we’re forced to learn all new names. I’m not good with change so this was a tough one for me. First off you have Alana. We know her. And we have “Mama.” Who can forget? We also have someone who may be the father to any one of these children, but most likely only 1…Sugar Bear. Sugar Bear is 40 and may or may not have extra teeth stored up on the side of his mouth like a squirrel getting ready for winter. He works 7 days a week so that they can all afford to live, literally, in the path of an oncoming train. Did I mention they live in the part of Georgia with tin roofs and naked kids rolling a giant metal wheel up the dirt-road with a stick? Yeah, there. Next up we have Pumpkin. She’s 12 and likes bobbing for pigs feet. We’ll get there in a minute. By the time she’s 16 I’m sure she’ll be bobbing for dicks in the laps of her high-school teachers in hopes of getting the answers to the next GED exam. I’m kidding. She won’t go to high school (learning is Satan’s work!) Then we have Chickadee who is 17 and pregnant and, well, apparently didn’t know she could have had her own show over at MTV but beggars can’t be choosers. Or pretty, apparently. They show her getting an ultrasound but I’m pretty sure Mama could do the same thing with two tin cans, some string, Smuckers grape jelly, and a magnifying glass. And finally we have Chubbs. I’m not entirely sure why she has that nickname, but maybe it has something to do with her being only fifteen years old and weighing 175 pounds. Spoiler Alert: All the daughters officially weigh more than me. Hot. I’m not sure we ever really find out their last name, but let’s just assume it’s either Type II Diabetes or “The Sugars.”
The episode kicks off with some typical family hijinks. It’s summer vacation so that means that everyone sleeps in until 11 in the morning and starts off their day with a healthy plastic jar of cheese balls. I’m pretty sure Sugar Bear has orange finger prints all over his dinky-doo and Mama leaves similar prints on her fuptastic FUPA. We can dream. As Alana is eating her breakfast of champions, the rest of the girls are busy spraying down their hair with Aqua Net. Mama claims they smell like “hairspray and desperation” but I tend to disagree. I feel like it’s more of the scent of hairspray and underachievement. Mixed with elastic waistband pants, of course! Here’s the thing, you want to make fun of Mama and crew right off the bat, but you soon realize that she’s totally in on the joke and, well, that makes me love her even more. She knows she’s fat and trashtastic and that makes her ok in my book. Sure she washes her head in the kitchen sink next to the dishes and scratches at the bugs in her head. Sure she loses count after 3 when trying to figure out how many chins she has. Sure she has the standard front-dead-tooth that most of “the poors” have. Sure she swings one arm really hard back and forth whilst walking to, you know, keep herself from tipping over like a Weeble. But she knows all of this. And if this isn’t the new formula for achieving the American Dream then I don’t know what is. I’m also pretty sure only 2 things in that last sentence were grammatically correct but I’m on a roll. I’m also eating a roll as I’ve learned eating whilst watching this makes me feel better about myself and society as a whole.
Later after a typical family squabble over whether or not they are rednecks, it’s time to go to the Redneck Games. “Hooray!” yelled the villagers in my head! Mama describes these games as the “Olympics” but with missing teeth and a lot of butt-crack showing. It’s everything you dreamed it would be an less. There are obese women with skinny shirtless toothless mustached men. And they’re grinding whilst chugging beers. There are half-shirts dripping in mud. There are confederate bikini’s covering sagging breast all while exposing a little southern cameltoe. And there’s the obligatory fat lady with her face blurred out holding a naked newborn up to her heaving bosom with her gut hanging out as she stands in 100 degree sun and dirt. To sum up, I want this location to be the backdrop of my life. Anyjunk, it’s time for the girls to start competing in “The Hungry Games.” See what I did there? One of the girls (I’m not sure if it was Darlene or Becky because, let’s fact it, they’re all Darlene or Becky) is ready to start bobbing for pigs feet…out of a giant bucket. She goes head first into the water like she’s running from education. She doesn’t win, but everyone is still proud of her because she tried her best and, well, what more can you really ask for? Even though she didn’t win her reward was almost puking in the 100 degree heat all while Chickadee followed behind her with her pregnant belly hanging out. She is the most pregnantist after all. When does the 3rd trimester abortion game begin? Get y’alls wrenches and a shot of bleach y’all! After debating if they’ll all cool off in the pond that has a sign up discussing flesh-eating-bacteria and a couple of dozen belly flops in the mud, it’s time to go home. Alana had the time of her life and being covered in all that mud really turned her into the ethnic Shirley Temple of our generation. The real Shirley that we’ve all been waiting for and deserve.
After a long and hot day it was time to all sit on some puffy leather couches and enjoy the air conditioning. Oh, and it’s also time to figure out how much everyone weighs! Chubbs doesn’t love her name being, well, Chubbs and wants to start a diet to lose 25 or 30 pounds. Mama is willing to lose some weight too, but not for her health or looks but to just support her daughter…in which whom she nicknamed Chubbs. Um, maybe start by not calling her that. Just a guess. While we don’t know what their diet plan will be in terms of food, we do learn that Mama claims if you fart 12-15 times a day you will lose weight. I mean, that works for Oprah (allegedly) so I’m sure it will also work for “The Sugars.” Chubbs weighs in at 175 pounds and Mama tops off the scale at a petite and breezy 309. At first it wouldn’t weigh her, but I’m pretty sure that scale was in on the joke too. That little minx! Mama wants to lose 100 pounds so she can hit her dream/goal weight of 200 pounds. At 200 pounds she’ll only be about 50 pounds left of danger (take a right at “clogged arteries” and then u-turn at kidney failure).
It’s finally time for Honey Boo Boo to enter her next pageant which is supposed to be a “natural pageant” which means no spray tans and no makeup. Basically you’re not allowed to dress up your 6 year old to look like she’ll being doing $2 dollar sucky-sucky in the backroom of an Applebee’s. Eating good in the neighborhood. Honey Boo Boo is actually having a blast and even cheering on the other kids and being an all around good sport. I love how “The Sugars” are all wearing Hanes Husky t-shirts (XXXL – slim fit) that say “Honey Boo Boo Child” across them. Brilliant. You know they’re totally the envy of all the trailers. They’re like royalty, but with rickets and junk. I have a feeling if Alana wins this pageant and gets some money they’ll be sponge-painting over their wood paneling with a faux-finish before the week is up. Darlin’ I love ya but give me Park Avenue. Where was I? Ah yes, Alana doesn’t win and ends up crying as I did inside. I was, however, mainly crying because I realized that I’ve been recapping this for what seems like over an hour. Perhaps it was actually a mix of that and a mix of me slamming my ding-a-ling in the laptop in hopes it would knock some sense into me and I would find “a life.” In the end, Sugar Bear really sums things up when he says (using only sidemouth) during his one on one interview that if Alana keeps doing her pageants one day she can be miss America. I’m sure what he really meant was that after this show airs and the terrorists blow us up we we’re all going to miss America. See the difference?
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Episode Rating: 3 Vagiggle Jaggle’s