I know, I know! You must be looking at your calendar and checking the date. No, it isn’t Harriet Carter Wednesday, but since I was MIA for most of last week and missed out on Harriet Carter, I decided to give you all a little Harriet Carter teaser. Also, since my brand new niece was born on Harriet Carter Wednesday, this is a little tribute to her.
Let’s dive right in….
Photo # 1 – War is a real hoot! I remember sitting around with my grandparents and great-grand-parents and screaming laughing over their war stories. Luckily, Harriet Carter has captured the “Best Little Stories from the Civil War.” Oh these must be a real doozie too! Gather the kids around the living room floor, whip out this book, and bring smiles to their faces as you read to them how hundreds of people were killed during the Civil War! Oh Suzie listen to this one….”Paul Smith left his 5 kids and ill wife when he left for war and never returned due to being killed by a musket injury to the head.” Now kiss little Suzie on the forehead and watch her drift off to a blissful sleep. Just precious. Oh Harriet, if this little war that we have going on in Iraq ever comes to an end I hope you one day sell little stories from this too. I’ll be waiting. Thanks Harriet, you heartless whore.
Photo # 2 – Hey kids! Know what Santa just LOVES?? That’s right…when you piss and shit right on his head! I know! Don’t ever bother lifting the toilet seat because now you can spray your urine all over his face…just like you did at the mall that time. Santa knows then you are sleeping and knows when you’re awake. Oh, he also knows when you’ve had one too many beers, ate a little too much Mexican, are having your period, or even binging and purging. Yes, my friends, Santa does know it all. Santa will love it when he risks his life by jumping down your chimney, almost gets food poisoning by your day old milk that’s been sitting out all night, chokes on your carrots, drops off all your gifts and THEN sees the wonderful tribute you’ve left him in the bathroom. He’ll feel really special that you equate Santa Claus with urine, crap, and other bodily fluids. Good luck getting gifts next year, stupid. Happy whoridays, Harriet!
Photo # 3 – Uh-oh! Harriet is pissed off again and, like always, she’s letting you know she’s pissed off on her t-shirt (I’m assuming “husky” size). This real winner reads, “Older…Wiser…and More Fed Up Than Before!” Oh you told us Harriet! Just think how sweet people in the supermarket will think you are when your crash into their shopping cart wearing that loving t-shirt. Why not just wear a t-shirt that says, “White Trash For Life: Old, Cheap, Miserable, Tacky, and On Unemployment.” That really would sum up what you’re trying to say, right?
This has been a “Harriet Carter Teaser” sponsored by “Goya.” Goya – taking up dozens of supermarket shelves, yet never bought by anyone. Goya.