Some people become Scientologists. I’m going to become a Carterologist or a Harriatholic. So happy Harriet Carter Wednesday, as always. This one is a little bitter sweet for me as this will be my last post of the week (insert sad music they play during the last 4 minutes of Full House). I will be traveling for work over the next few days and won’t be back until Monday. I know, I know, dry your eyes. However, please note that I couldn’t leave without providing you with a little Harriet Carter to get you through the next few days. Let’s go!
Product # 1 – Hey sexy! Look at you in that beautiful leopard caftan. Yes, caftan. Ladies, are you looking for that one special outfit that really makes you look like a runway model? Well this is it! Besides the fact that this “outfit” looks like the bed sheet at a whorehouse, it also looks like it would easily become flammable if the temperature at your house went above 72 degrees and a wind blew through the window. And look at those pretty shoes you can wear with it! Ok, is this lady for real? Do you think that she wants to take a “dirt nap” because this is what her career has come to…modeling caftans for Harriet Carter? For me, besides this flammable dress, my favorite is the description of this caftan. It actually says, “It’s as pretty as it is comfortable.” Yeah, well they’re not lying. It’s as ugly as sin so it must be as itchy as hell. It also says, “…so versatile you can wear it for a candlelit dinner, morning coffee, or as a beach cover up.” Yup. Why don’t you go wear that to a candelit dinner. No joke, these are the type of blind dates I’m set up on. I wouldn’t be surprised if I showed up to a blind date and some chick was wearing that. I hope dinner is candlelit so that it increases that chances that it goes up in flames. Thanks Harriet for high quality clothes. Useless.
Product # 2 – Is she kidding me with all of these seat belt options? This is in the “new arrivals” catalog from Harriet Carter. So you know I’ve discussed all of the seat belt options that Harriet has, so this is no different. Now you can read, while driving? Look at the picture. She isn’t in the passenger seat…the door is too far away. So not only is she reading while she’s driving, but that light that comes out of the seat belt is sure to blind oncoming traffic. I just took a second look at the picture. Why the hell does she need a light? It’s daylight outside. Also, do her boobs look a little “cartoonish” in this photo?
Product # 3 – Really? Is “taking care of your business” really that boring that you need to be entertained? Well Harriet Carter seems to think so. Not too long ago I discussed “bathroom bowling” and now we have “bathroom fishing.” Seriously this is retarded. At what point are you going to the bathroom and it takes so long that you need to go “fake fishing?” Is he taking a “fake crap.” This is stupid. I’m embarrassed. So let’s go through all the motions on this. Now, do you set up all this stuff and then pull your pants down? Do you pull your pants down and kinda toss the fish onto the fake water? So then you catch a fish. Yup. Then what do you? Do you throw it back? Are you pleased that you caught a “fake fish” while sitting on the toilet? Do you tell people? Do you yell downstairs, “hey honey, I just caught one!” Maybe this is better suited for people who live alone. Maybe this is why you live alone? And where in the hell do you store all this stuff? Does this guy know he’s a grown adult and doing this? Honestly, the questions I have are endless. I’ll stop now. Thanks Harriet Carter for making a 5 minute crap into a 2-hour “fake fishing marathon!”
Product # 4 – Do you ever feel like maybe you aren’t white-trash enough? Do you ever think, “you know what, the lawn furniture that we’re sitting on in the living room isn’t quite as white-trash as I’d like to be.” Hmmmm, what to do? What to do? Well, how about hitting “tilt” on the white-trash meter by getting this awesome footstool!? It says “King of the Remote Control!” Yeah! Awesome! Let everyone you know, know that you rule that remote control. Yeah, you probably beat your wife too, don’t ya? Yeah, big tough guy, right? Yeah, rule the remote control and one day and your wife is “accidentally answering the iron” again. These are warning signs people. Be warned. I love how most of the Harriet Carter products always state the obvious.
That concludes another segment of Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday!