Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday all you sick-son-of-a-bitches! Let’s face it, every day is really Harriet Carter Wednesday! I also want you to know that I have a new goal. Sure I want to guest-host The Soup on E!, and write for The Family Guy, and do a little something with MTV, but I am adding my newest and most important goal. I want to model some type of product in the Harriet Carter catalog. No joke. So, Harriet if you are out there and reading this hook me up. I’ll make you proud.
Product # 1 – Grandma really meant a lot to us while she was alive for those 110 years, but let’s call a spade a spade. Grandma just died and I ain’t spending half of my 401K to bury the bitch. I just really wish there was some type of plastic cross that I would stick in the ground in my backyard where I just buried Grandma. Oh wait, there is? Of course there is with Harriet Carter! Don’t bother with the tombstone and the cemetery, just toss Grandma right there in the yard (behind the pool), write her name on the cross with a Sharpie, and hammer this cross right into the ground. Done deal. You’ll be back to digging through Grandma’s junk looking for that diamond ring before you know it. Thanks Harriet! See you in hell!
Product # 2 – Hey ladies are you tired of telling your husband that you aren’t in the mood for sex over and over again? Well, don’t lose sleep another nights sleep pushing off his advances, just simply strap on this “cotton-padded cock-block” and drift off to sleep. If your husband tries to get his “business” anywhere near you, he’ll just “bump” into this contraption that’s hooked to your knees? Yup, I just looked again, it’s hooked around her knees. However, husbands, don’t think this is the kiss of death just yet. She may be sleeping, but that doesn’t mean you can write her a note on that thing. Perhaps book an appointment on that cotton cock-block for the following night? It’s time to literally think outside of the box (yes I just made myself laugh with that one).
Product # 3 – Can’t get enough of that pussy around your neck? Either can this lady. She loves loves LOVES a nice heated up and dark pussy (cat) around her neck. What? She doesn’t discriminate! This pussy cat heats up and keeps your neck warm all night long and you don’t even need to plug it in. Now, I’m not sure what those red lines are coming out of the cat. Perhaps that car is possessed or casting a spell on your neck? Maybe the cat vibrates? Maybe the cat farts? I mean, it’s a real crap shoot when you buy out of the Harriet Carter catalog so sky really is the limit with this one. My one final thought…look at the lady’s face. You know she is totally thinking, “yes, that is some hot pussy cat humping my neck and I’m ok with that!”
Product # 4 – Are you king of “stating the obvious?” Do you like getting your ass kicked absolutely everywhere you go? Well then this mug is for you. Have everyone in your office pissing their pants with laughter for literally seconds when you show them your “World’s Biggest Mug” mug. They won’t even believe their eyes! But don’t just stop there. The next day make sure you wear your “World’s Dumbest Bitch” t-shirt. Seriously, is this chick for real? Wait a minute. Stop the press! Is that lady with the mug the same lady with the cat? I think it is! Lucky! If there was any justice in the world, that “electronic cat” would jump out of picture number 3 and attack the lady with the mug in picture number 4. Ugh. World’s Biggest Mug. Douche Bag.
That concludes another segment of Harriet Carter. Be sure to write to Harriet Carter and request that I start modeling crap in her catalog. Like Oprah always says, “God dreams bigger than you can dream for yourself.” I think God is dreaming that I make it into the Harriet Carter catalog.