By the constant itching of my eyes I can tell that Spring has sprung and by “sprung” I mean “declared jihad on my eyes, nose, and throat.” This Spring, Harriet tricks mom and dad into a stylish burial, reminds us of our love for plastic animals, and helps us to make sure we don’t break our backs with pointless digging rituals. Let’s go!
Product # 1 – Looking for a cost effective way to bury mom and dad this Spring? Luckily since Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are so close together you can purchase their “gardening gift” and tombstone all at the same time! What a treat from Satan herself! Simply buy these gardening rocks that say “Dad’s Garden” and “Mom’s Garden” and place them spaced out 2-feet apart in the backyard. Mom and Dad will be squealing with delight at their gift and your wallet will be squealing with delight when Mom and Dad kick the bucket and all you have to do is paint over the word “garden” on the stone. Presto Chango! You’ve got yourself a fully functioning tombstone. If you really want to go the extra mile you can carve little lines at the top of each tomato to make it into a heart and place a picture of yourself in the center of the sunflower to transform it into the actual sun itself. You’re pretty much all set with the Mom tombstone as Mom was always a giver and required little work. Now you can either paint over the word “garden” on her stone or just add the word “eternal” above it so it reads “Mom’s Eternal Garden.” I’ve just saved you thousands of dollars and helped you with a Mother’s Day/Father’s Day gift all at the same time. Thanks, Harriet, see you in hell!
Product # 2 – Boy do I love animals. More importantly, I love animals who typically carry the rabies virus. What better way to celebrate my love of all things “animal” then with some real neat plastic squirrels that I can nail up to my tree! For added effect, feel free to drill little holes in the sides of their mouths and add one cup of baking soda and 1 cup of vinegar. Have your kids watch in amazement when these squirrels start foaming from the mouth just like the real ones that actually do have rabies and are sure to attack your kids any chance they get. It’s strange that these squirrels are brown because where I’m from they are dirty and grey and usually have slash marks on the sides of their disease infested bodies. It’s fun to listen to them fight with skunks in the middle of the night. Nothing says “animal of God” quite like the voice of a squirrel being attacked. Amen. Anyway, these cute nail-on plastic squirrels will send the right message to your impressionable kids, which is: Look how friendly squirrels are and they typically don’t ever move, so why not go up to one and split half your sandwich with them. They’ll show their appreciated by clawing at your face and biting your neck. No big deal, a series of rabies shots is a fun process overall.
Product # 3 – Digging for no reason at all in the summer? Well if you’re an adult and still believe that you can dig your way to China, why does Harriet Carter have the product for you! Now go and put on your tightest jeans and get ready to dig without bending over at all. You’ll reach a nice sushi restaurant in China faster this way. Luckily Harriet is using helpful yellow arrows to show how bent her back was before and then how straight her back was after. Before, it looks like the only way to straighten out this chicks back is through a series of complicated surgeries. But the after has her well on her way to recovery all while smiling as she digs for her dreams. Looks like it may take a little longer actually, because on the before picture she has a nice pile of dirt going, but in the after she only has a little. I’m actually pretty sure this chick isn’t digging to China, but instead has located the ideal spot for tossing the body of her dead boyfriend. It’s vital that you don’t hurt your back while disposing of the body because once you need to explain to the authorities how you pulled out your back you might as well start practicing your prison songs. Thanks Harriet for keeping us out of prison and standing at attention!
Product # 1 – Looking for a cost effective way to bury mom and dad this Spring? Luckily since Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are so close together you can purchase their “gardening gift” and tombstone all at the same time! What a treat from Satan herself! Simply buy these gardening rocks that say “Dad’s Garden” and “Mom’s Garden” and place them spaced out 2-feet apart in the backyard. Mom and Dad will be squealing with delight at their gift and your wallet will be squealing with delight when Mom and Dad kick the bucket and all you have to do is paint over the word “garden” on the stone. Presto Chango! You’ve got yourself a fully functioning tombstone. If you really want to go the extra mile you can carve little lines at the top of each tomato to make it into a heart and place a picture of yourself in the center of the sunflower to transform it into the actual sun itself. You’re pretty much all set with the Mom tombstone as Mom was always a giver and required little work. Now you can either paint over the word “garden” on her stone or just add the word “eternal” above it so it reads “Mom’s Eternal Garden.” I’ve just saved you thousands of dollars and helped you with a Mother’s Day/Father’s Day gift all at the same time. Thanks, Harriet, see you in hell!
Product # 2 – Boy do I love animals. More importantly, I love animals who typically carry the rabies virus. What better way to celebrate my love of all things “animal” then with some real neat plastic squirrels that I can nail up to my tree! For added effect, feel free to drill little holes in the sides of their mouths and add one cup of baking soda and 1 cup of vinegar. Have your kids watch in amazement when these squirrels start foaming from the mouth just like the real ones that actually do have rabies and are sure to attack your kids any chance they get. It’s strange that these squirrels are brown because where I’m from they are dirty and grey and usually have slash marks on the sides of their disease infested bodies. It’s fun to listen to them fight with skunks in the middle of the night. Nothing says “animal of God” quite like the voice of a squirrel being attacked. Amen. Anyway, these cute nail-on plastic squirrels will send the right message to your impressionable kids, which is: Look how friendly squirrels are and they typically don’t ever move, so why not go up to one and split half your sandwich with them. They’ll show their appreciated by clawing at your face and biting your neck. No big deal, a series of rabies shots is a fun process overall.
Product # 3 – Digging for no reason at all in the summer? Well if you’re an adult and still believe that you can dig your way to China, why does Harriet Carter have the product for you! Now go and put on your tightest jeans and get ready to dig without bending over at all. You’ll reach a nice sushi restaurant in China faster this way. Luckily Harriet is using helpful yellow arrows to show how bent her back was before and then how straight her back was after. Before, it looks like the only way to straighten out this chicks back is through a series of complicated surgeries. But the after has her well on her way to recovery all while smiling as she digs for her dreams. Looks like it may take a little longer actually, because on the before picture she has a nice pile of dirt going, but in the after she only has a little. I’m actually pretty sure this chick isn’t digging to China, but instead has located the ideal spot for tossing the body of her dead boyfriend. It’s vital that you don’t hurt your back while disposing of the body because once you need to explain to the authorities how you pulled out your back you might as well start practicing your prison songs. Thanks Harriet for keeping us out of prison and standing at attention!
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