Product # 2 – Boy do I love animals. More importantly, I love animals who typically carry the rabies virus. What better way to celebrate my love of all things “animal” then with some real neat plastic squirrels that I can nail up to my tree! For added effect, feel free to drill little holes in the sides of their mouths and add one cup of baking soda and 1 cup of vinegar. Have your kids watch in amazement when these squirrels start foaming from the mouth just like the real ones that actually do have rabies and are sure to attack your kids any chance they get. It’s strange that these squirrels are brown because where I’m from they are dirty and grey and usually have slash marks on the sides of their disease infested bodies. It’s fun to listen to them fight with skunks in the middle of the night. Nothing says “animal of God” quite like the voice of a squirrel being attacked. Amen. Anyway, these cute nail-on plastic squirrels will send the right message to your impressionable kids, which is: Look how friendly squirrels are and they typically don’t ever move, so why not go up to one and split half your sandwich with them. They’ll show their appreciated by clawing at your face and biting your neck. No big deal, a series of rabies shots is a fun process overall.
Product # 3 – Digging for no reason at all in the summer? Well if you’re an adult and still believe that you can dig your way to China, why does Harriet Carter have the product for you! Now go and put on your tightest jeans and get ready to dig without bending over at all. You’ll reach a nice sushi restaurant in China faster this way. Luckily Harriet is using helpful yellow arrows to show how bent her back was before and then how straight her back was after. Before, it looks like the only way to straighten out this chicks back is through a series of complicated surgeries. But the after has her well on her way to recovery all while smiling as she digs for her dreams. Looks like it may take a little longer actually, because on the before picture she has a nice pile of dirt going, but in the after she only has a little. I’m actually pretty sure this chick isn’t digging to China, but instead has located the ideal spot for tossing the body of her dead boyfriend. It’s vital that you don’t hurt your back while disposing of the body because once you need to explain to the authorities how you pulled out your back you might as well start practicing your prison songs. Thanks Harriet for keeping us out of prison and standing at attention!