Yeah Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! Or, this time I should call it Happy Harriet Carter White Trash Wednesday! The three products I will be reviewing are all white-trash related. Ok, so that’s just my opinion, but you know you agree too. Let’s roll!Product # 1 – How many times do you walk by the tree in front of your house and think, “Damn it I wish this tree had a pig face eating corn on it!” I know, I know I think that all the time. Trees can be so boring, it’s ridiculous. I am so glad that I can now successfully dress up my tree as a pig, but not just any pig…a pig eating corn on the cob. Seriously? If I ever, EVER, walk by a tree that is dress like this pig I’m totally taking a crap right in the corn on the cob bird feeder. No joke. Why can’t people just let trees be trees? What’s the big deal of just having your tree look like, oh I don’t know…a tree? Crazy concept right? I can only hope that one day Harriet will start selling a new way for you to dress up your tree. I’d create something like, an elf brushing his teeth with a toilet brush. No? You know you’d buy it. Thanks Harriet for making trees such a blast.
Product # 2 – Are you tired of your door always slamming shut due to a strong wind? Do you ever wish you had a shoe that could keep it open? Do you not have a shoe? Do you want to buy a shoe that is actually a door-stopper? Well, today is your lucky day because now Harriet is selling a high-heel shoe that keeps your door open. Harriet? Yeah, kill yourself. This is potentially the biggest waste of money, ever. Ever. Why can’t you just use an actual shoe? Why does it have to be a “pretend shoe?” Seriously, I have a message for the people who have actually purchased this product: You are NEVER allowed to complain about rising gas prices. IF you have actually spent your hard earned money on this you are never allowed to complain that gas prices are up 25 cents. In fact, you should buy me a tank of gas just because I said so.
Product # 3 – Look, clearly my sense of humor is the same as a 2nd grader, but I don’t think I ever fully understood the need for anything that “farts.” No really. Sure farting noises are kinda funny, but after a while it loses it’s funniness. Why would you ever need a key chain that is supposed to look like underwear and when you press the underwear it makes farting noises. Are we supposed to be tricked into thinking that keys fart? What do you do, press the button and then it makes the noise and then you look at your friends and say, “Get it? My key chain farted!” Yeah, we get it. I say save your money and just fart yourself. It’s much more cost effective and you always risk the chance of accidentally crapping your pants, which is always a real fun game to play. This product makes me want to squeeze Harriet until she farts. What? Is that weird? Fine, I’ll stop.
Well, that concludes another segment of Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday at IBBB. Please send checks in appreciation for this brilliance. Write a check and roll it up. Then put it in a glass bottle and and toss it in the ocean. It will get to me, trust me.