Product # 2 – Fakey the Snowman was fake cartoon snowman. With a missing corn bob pipe and a street cone nose and two eyes made out of the devil soul! Come on you know the rest! I love Fakey the Snowman, but is there any chance before I buy this snowman that lights up and remains possessed the entire night that I can actually see what this will look like for real? I mean, I no longer live in the same cartoon neighborhood I did before so I’m not too sure that this cartoon snowman will work with my real life house and real life snow. I’m a little confused on the payment as well. Now can I pay for my cartoon snowman with my cartoon money? Perhaps you accept VIZZA or MonsterCard? And how the hell big is Fakey the Snowman because he looks like if you put him up against the house his old man hat would be a bit taller than the chimney. Oh, and thanks for putting in the extra effort to draw the background. Oh yes, are those trees in the background or just scratch marks? I’m going to go with scratch marks. Luckily I get it because my cartoon neighborhood used to have scratch marks too. Nice scarf too on Fakey the Snowman. I’m sure the neighborhood kids will be bending him over before the holiday season is over. Ho ho huh?
Product # 3 – I wasn’t informed that you were still allowed to pinch your nose closed when something smelled bad if you weren’t 4 years old or in an I Love Lucy episode, but apparently the ban has been lifted. First off, I’m glad that Marie Osmond is back to work after her stint on Dancing With the Stars. It just proves that being on that show can revitalize your career. Second, what in the name of jihad chemicals is this product called? ATMSKLEAR? Like, ATMS Lear? Derived from the German phrase meaning “Money Scam.” Third, where did the rest of faux Marie Osmond’s hair go? She’s about 2 inches away from completing her Zac Efron. It’s the new “Rachel” apparently. And you totally know that the only thing that stinks is faux Marie’s own hoo-ha. That thing probably hasn’t seen clean water since her days on The Love Boat. Hopefully ATMKILLER stuff doesn’t burn the skin because faux Marie is going to need to insert the whole bottle into her “gentleman greeter” the same way you tip a Pepsi bottle filled with water into the plant soil so the plant can just drink as much as it needs when it needs it. You still with me? I’m borderline lost, but I think I’m still typing. Perhaps she has that surprised look on her face because Harriet is underneath her and inserting the bottle as the picture is being taken? Either way her lady business stinks. Clean it up.