Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday to you and yours. Some people have been emailing me and asking questions like, “But IBBB, why has Harriet Carter Wednesday sometimes moved to Thursday?” I answer in love and light by saying, “I ask the questions around here. Now cut the crap before I call the cops.” This week, Harriet gives whores a voice and makes peeing on your friends and/or enemies more fun than ever. Let’s go!
Product # 1 – How many of us have walked down the street, saw the town whore, and thought to ourselves, “Hmmm, I wonder what she’s getting at? Is she just sending me mixed signals?” I know I ask that to myself whenever I go whore-hunting. Well now thanks to the Harriet Carter doormat there is no need to try and decipher mixed messaging any longer. This doormat is clearly giving you a message that says, “Come inside….my box.” No really it does. I think it’s pretty polite actually. Sometimes you go to enter “a house” and you’re not really sure if you’re supposed to actually come inside or wait out front until you see a familiar face. A couple of times I even would have to come around the back just to see if anyone was home. And don’t even get me started that one time I was do drunk that I started to come inside but then started to fall asleep and never even made it inside the front door. Boy was that embarrassing! I once knew this girl whose parents were really Catholic and they never let anyone ever come inside her house so she ended up sneaking out at all hours of the night and got herself pregnant. Those Catholics. Geesh! They even try to convince you that surprising you up the back door is better than going straight in the front. Religion. It’s confusing. So anyway, folks, the next time you’re not quite sure how to end your “visit” just check the doormat to see if there’s an instructional message if you can come inside the box or not. Since we’re talking about boxes, this also make the perfect holiday gift for that homeless person who lives in one by the train station that you see every morning on your way to work. Oh and in case we weren’t all clear on the matter, I’m making 5th grade sex jokes. All caught up? Fantastic.
Product # 2 – Ready to make pissing a whole lot more fun? Do you think heading to your office bathroom is getting just a bit, you know, boring? Has your anger towards a co-worker almost gone from hatred to sexy boom boom? Well if you answered, “Teddy Ruxpin!” to any of these questions does Harriet have the item for you! Introducing the “Urinal Cake Photo Screen.” Ole! All you need to do is find a picture of your favorite arch nemesis (mine, of course, would be one Ms. Bindi Irwin) and then walk into your public work bathroom, use your hands to lift out the filthy disease-filled urinal cake holder, place it on the sink, whip out your picture, measure it, measure the urinal cake holder, cut it, take out some glue, place the glue on the back of the picture, press the picture firmly on the urinal cake holder, pull up a chair, sit and wait 45 minutes for it to dry, place it back in the urinal and then begin to urinate all while laughing for upwards of 45 seconds until the picture gets wet, starts to curl, the ink starts to run, and your fun ends before the minute is up and that one guy who takes loud sh*ts in the stall next to you awkwardly comes out of the stall, give you a nod, and then leaves without washing his hands. Phew, that was a mouthful! So this may make sense for a quick laugh if you, you know, had a urinal in your own private home but let’s face it, that doesn’t exist. So you’re forced to try out this new schtick at work. Should I alert HR of your firing now or just wait until you actually complete the task at hand? Wow. First picture urinal cakes and next thing you know women will be buying Tampons with Bin Laden’s head at the tip! I chose him because of, you know, the white turban and all. I thought it would just be a good fit, figuratively and literally. Thanks Harriet for even making pissing an all around hoot!