So it’s Harriet Carter Wednesday. What are you gonna do about it? You wanna fight me? Let’s go then. I’ll meet you out front of the Carter Factory after school, you jerk. No idea. Anyway, this week Harriet helps you find new and inventive ways to sell your snot-nosed children, tricks your kids with the gifts you give them, and celebrates horses with plastic cups because, you know, horses should be celebrated with plastic cups. Let’s go….
Product # 1 – Hey there little Billy. Yeah, how’s it goin’? Uh huh. Yeah, well you got a sec? Great, thanks. You see, Mom and her live-in boyfriend have been having a tough time making ends-meet as of recent. The economy, well, it exploded, Billy. It’s partially our old President’s fault and it’s partially your fault because Santa saw you touching yourself in the tub that one time. But why split hairs, am I right? Anyway, the holidays are coming up, you know, Jesus 2009th Birthday and the Day After Thanksgiving, and the gifts may not be as extravagant this year. We all know you’ve been asking for the Nintendo Wii for the past 2 years, but your mom and her live-in boyfriend cut back on the amount of scratch tickets that they buy every day and bought you this new video game that’s way better than the Nintendo Wii. It’s more advance and could basically just kick the Wii’s ass (kinda like how your friends are gonna kick your ass in extra-help-math tomorrow). Now technically it’s called the “Etch-a-Sketch” but you can call it the “Wii-a-Sketch” or the “Are You Almost 18 Yet?” like we call it. It’s really interactive too, like the Wii. For example, see how you drew that very impressive train, Billy? Well, it’s just like the Wii because that train will actually start moving! Sure, it’s because your mom will have to take down the screen and chase you around the house with it, but Choo-Choo, Billy, Choo-Chooooo! And just like the Wii, Billy, you have to be really careful that you don’t accidentally throw the control at the screen. That’s why mom’s live-in boyfriend is going to duct-tape it around your wrist. Well, anyway, you’re welcome Billy! Just think, maybe next year I’ll teach you how to play “cops and robbers” with some toilet paper for a mask and some clothespins for guns! Study hard, Billy, study hard.
Product # 2 – Sick of standing on the stone steps of your town hall yelling “Kids For Sale” like a caveman? Looking for new and innovative ways to subtly alert the kidnappers just what they’re getting? Of course you are! Look, we live in the year 1998 (we do, right?) and everyone is busy. That includes kidnappers. Why not help out the nappers and yourself by simply advertising just who you’re trying to get rid of with this handy dandy Harriet Carter Photo Tote. Now you can simply place photos of Pasty, Creepy Smile, and Open Mouth right on the side of your purse and “promote as you go.” But look, we’re in a tough market so it’s good to help provide additional incentives for the kidnappers. That’s right folks! This tote comes with two tickets to the circus that you can easily display right above the photos! It’s like the kids practically sell themselves. The days of “hey kid, wanna come over the pet my puppy?” and “hey kid, want some candy?” and my personal favorite growing up, “hey kid, you’re parents have been in a car accident and are in the hospital and wanted me to take you to see them….but if you tell your parents I’ll kill them.” It was a real win-win in the 1980’s for us kids! So don’t just wait for the nappers to hand-pick your brats, get proactive! Get the Three Picture Tote, get rid of your kids, and get that hot tub you’ve been eyeing since the day they were born.
Product # 3 – You know, if it’s two things I like it’s horses and tumblers. The fact that Harriet Carter has combined my two favorite things makes me thank God each and every day that I live in the good old USA! Just think, it’s a nice warm day out and you’re looking for a nice glass of lemonade. Obviously you’re going to get out your fanciest glasses which, I’ll assume, is going to be the Horse Tumblers. You’ll be the envy of the trailer-park once you tell your toothless friends that these tumblers are “made of shatterproof plastic.” Almost unheard of in this day and age. Seriously, do people like horses this much? When I think of horses I think of horses taking nasty dumps in Central Park. The last thing I’d want to see before I swallowed some lemonade is a horses ass, you know? I’d rather watch Harriet shave above the knee, if ya know what I mean, and I think ya do….because I’m 12.