Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday. We are almost half way through the year and you know what that means….let’s take a look back at what Harriet has been selling.
Product # 1 – Uh-oh! Is your porcelain chipping? Who gives an F. The real issue is why in the hell is your refrigerator in the bathroom? Actually, another important question is who in the sexy hell has a porcelain refrigerator? Do they even make those anymore? And by “anymore” I really mean “since 1925.” This does bring up an innovative idea. Sometimes when I get out of the shower I would love some breakfast but then I have to walk alllllll the way to the kitchen. That’s not efficient at all. Instead, I’d love to be in the shower and just reach into the refrigerator and grab some milk for my cereal (I’ll keep the box of cereal under the sink). Also, how small is the bottle? It seems like it’ll take about 300 hours to fix that bathtub. It’s kinda like painting your car with a bottle of White-Out. Stop. I just thought of the last time I saw a porcelain refrigerator. Remember that episode of Punky Brewster when Cheri got trapped in the refrigerator? Yeah, then.
Product # 2 – Looking to wash your underwear in your blender? Well you’re in luck! Now you can wash your clothes in something the size of your blender. If you only own 2 articles of clothing then this is the product for you. Perfect for the homeless or a family of dwarfs, you’ll be washing clothes in simply hours! What the hell are they washing in this thing in the photo? Are those crushed Coke cans? Totally, they are. They’re 100% washing Coke cans. But why? Why would one need to wash Coke cans? Pepsi cans, sure, but Coke cans? I don’t buy it. Anyway, when you’re done washing the skid marks out of your crap stained underpants, you can also make a killer margarita in this contraption. Tasty! Ole!
Product # 3 – I wasn’t informed that you were still allowed to pinch your nose closed when something smelled bad if you weren’t 4 years old or in an I Love Lucy episode, but apparently the ban has been lifted. First off, I’m glad that Marie Osmond is back to work after her stint on Dancing With the Stars. It just proves that being on that show can revitalize your career. Second, what in the name of jihad chemicals is this product called? ATMSKLEAR? Like, ATMS Lear? Derived from the German phrase meaning “Money Scam.” Third, where did the rest of faux Marie Osmond’s hair go? She’s about 2 inches away from completing her Zac Efron. It’s the new “Rachel” apparently. And you totally know that the only thing that stinks is faux Marie’s own hoo-ha. That thing probably hasn’t seen clean water since her days on The Love Boat. Hopefully ATMKILLER stuff doesn’t burn the skin because faux Marie is going to need to insert the whole bottle into her “gentleman greeter” the same way you tip a Pepsi bottle filled with water into the plant soil so the plant can just drink as much as it needs when it needs it. You still with me? I’m borderline lost, but I think I’m still typing. Perhaps she has that surprised look on her face because Harriet is underneath her and inserting the bottle as the picture is being taken? Either way her lady business stinks. Clean it up.