Product # 2 – I love it when diddlers try to get help. I know, it’s tough. Molesters never really seem to catch a break and Harriet knows that, and can probably relate. She’s selling this decorative pillow for any diddler at heart. It says, “I Childproofed My Home But Somehow They Keep Getting In!” Hahahahahahahah. Hahahahahahahaha. Woooooooooooooooo! Oh Harriet, you’re as sharp as a whip! Why are you childproofing your home? If you really are a diddler I hope you’re registered. If they keep getting in I’d call your sponsor STAT. Did you also “white-trashproof” your house because I think I found a leak. Stop with the sayings on the pillows. There is no need.
Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! It’s such a special Harriet Carter Wednesday because I was provided an up-to-date photo of Harriet herself! Harriet, of course, if the strapping beast of woman just under the left hand (my left) of Jesus. That’s just where Harriet belongs, with my Jesus. MY Jesus. Thanks go to Vicky for tracking down this gem and sharing it. Sharing is caring, unless you’re sharing dirty needles and/or sexually transmitted diseases. Anyway, this got me to thinking, this weeks Harriet Carter posts will be “viewers choice.” Below are all products that you, the viewers (or readers, whatever) have shared with me recently. Let’s go…
Product # 1 – Hey there stinky ass! You like pooping your pants? You like peeing your pants? You like peeing and pooping your pants? Well just how many pairs of underwear are you going to have to throw away? Well now you need not worry because Harriet is selling some very stylish and fancy plastic-waterproof-underpants. SEXY! Now you can just piss and crap to your hearts content and guess what? When you’re all done all you need to do is take off your pissed soaked plastic underpants and hose them off. That’s right, feel free to hose. Bring them right out to the driveway and hose away! Don’t have a driveway and hose? Don’t fret, just bring it over to your neighbors. Trust me, they’ll love nothing more than to see you pantsless hosing the skid-marks out of your underpants in their driveway. Oh the laughs you’ll all have! Feel free to laugh until you piss again! Just make sure you’ve put your “crap catchers” back on! ADDED TIP: Place a pine tree car air-freshner around your leg for a “woodsy” scent and use a coat of Armorall on the underpants to give it that sexy shine right before your big date. Grrrrr!
Product # 3 – You know what? When the cane falls and you can’t pick it up, I think it’s time to contemplate the ultimate dirt nap. If I saw Grandpa trying to pick up his cane with that contraption I’d kick it back down and say, “No! You act like an adult and you bend down and get that cane.” If Grandpa then is stuck on the ground…well…then we just simply start picking out tombstones. What? You know I’m right. Moving on to the picture in question, why in the holy hell is Grandpa trying to catch that arrow? That’s the bigger problem, no? Maybe he’d stop dropping the cane if he’d just quit trying to catch a ” red arrow.” Also, why is Grandpa a cartoon? I once had a cartoon as an imaginary friend, but never my Grandpa. Unless…wait…was Captain Caveman really my Grandpa? Why can’t Harriet show a real demonstration of this? So many questions so little time…left for Grandpa. Go into the light Grandpa! Go into the light! Bring the cane! And actually put on those plastic-waterproof-underpants. Jesus doesn’t like a pissy pants.
Product # 4 – I’ve actually reviewed this product before, but let’s face it (pun not originally intended, but later intended) I’ve probably reviewed all these products before. Who can keep track. Besides, this dude deserves a second commentary. Ding dong! Mommy, mommy there’s a grown man at the door who looks like an absolute retard! He’s not scary at all, he’s just wearing a bat hat and is making this face that makes me think he’s either going to stab me or kidnap me. How many Hershey bars should I give him? That’s how I imagine that scene went down. Is this guy for real? Is Harriet for real? Ok, so at some point someone had to give this guy some direction on the photoshoot. Then he made that face. Then they took picture. Then they looked at the picture. Then they said “this is the shot.” Then they added it to the catalog. Then this guy got a check in the mail for his services. Then I shot myself because I still can’t get into the Harriet Carter crapalog. Also, per usual, why is this guy in the sky? Is it because he’s a bat? Do you think that this guy, “Bat Boy” and “Failure Model Chick” got it on behind the scenes? Ohhhh Bat Boy and Failure Model Chick: The E! True Hollywood Story.