Another Wednesday, another Harriet Carter crapshoot. I’m pretty excited about one of the products this week because I have absolutely no idea what it is. And similar to the fun of trying to figure out if Wendy Williams is a man or a woman, the guessing is the best part. This week Harriet tells us what squirrels like, coins the term “fat mop,” and let’s us play “guess what the hell is going on in this photo and what the product is.” It’s a great week to be alive. Let’s go!
Product # 1 – Ohhhhh a “mystery product!” What a treat for us! This photo was not changed in any way at all. It literally has no description or price. It’s just called the “clip and pull.” Is this a man or a woman? Are they wearing a white dress or a towel? Are their feet in the actual contraption as if it were slippers? Is there a chair leg coming out of their ass? And what’s with the closeup pic of the hand? What are they holding? My guess, of course, is a “Do It Yourself Gender Reassignment Contraption.” Now I’m not one of the “scientist doctors” that you “read about” but I’m pretty certain the way that this works is that you wrap a white towel around your waist and slide your feet into two canvas bags. Simply clip the yellow strap to the canvas foot bags and pull said strap with left hand. With right hand slip “Mr. Winky Claus” into red loop and pull. You’ll be a woman before you know it and won’t have to deal with pricey hospital bills and uncomfortable beds. I knew it was only a matter of time before you could perform this out-patient hospital procedure in the comfort of your own trailer. Seriously, who’s buying this? Who’s logging onto the website, looks at that photo, and is like, “Sweet! I’m gonna get me there one of them there ‘clip and pulls!'” Fail.
Product # 2 – When your trash is being ripped to shreds by your neighborhood squirrels and they’re dive-bombing you from tree branches, you know what I always think? I think, “Damn I wish these squirrels had a nice comfy chair to sit on.” Well now, thanks to Harriet Carter, these rabid rats with bushy tails can sit on a wooden chair that you drill into your tree and eat the food that you provide for them. And look! According to the picture, “Squirrels Love It!” Rumor has it that over 10,000 squirrels surveyed wrote down that the 1 thing that would improve the quality of their lives would be the addition of “wooden chairs.” Well they demanded and now they shall receive. But let’s not just stop with the chairs. Currently in production are “Squirrel Scarves” to keep them warm this winter, “Squirrel Sporks” so that they can eat their food without getting all messy, and “Squirrel Crest White Strips” because a bight smile is important to even those who eat garbage.
Product # 3 – Mmmmm the “Fat Mop.” Yum. Just think, you’re making a nice and romantic dinner for your d-bag of a wife in hopes that she’ll do that one thing that she refused to do the day you both said, “I Do,” and you’re almost done with what I can only assume from the photo is “pork and beans” and you yell out to her, “Honey? Where’s the Fat Mop? Yeah, the “Fat Mop.” Where is it? I want to dunk the “Fat Mop” into my pan of pork and beans that I’m making for you and I want to soak up all the fat so I’ll be needing that “Fat Mop.” She’ll be so turned on that she’ll practically show up to dinner pantsless. Keep talking dirty to her and let her know that the Fat Mop soaks up the grease from things like stews and chili. Bomp Chicka Bom Bom! Ow! If she’s really good, let her know that you’ll let her lick the Fat Mop after it’s done soaking up all the fat from the pan. Send the kids to bed early because it’s going to be a loooooong night. Ow! Thanks, Harriet, for making the Fat Mop sexy!