Harriet Carter Wednesday: This Thanksgiving I am Most Thankful for Harriet Carter and No Lawsuits

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday and Thanksgiving Eve. There were hardly any Thanksgiving related products in the Harriet Carter catalog, which helps proves my hypothesis that Harriet and her family have sex with turkeys. Mystery solved. This Thanksgiving week, Harriet helps clean up your yard, fixes your rack and ass, and keeps your safe from scary burglars this holiday season. Let’s go!Product # 1 – Are you a serial killer in training? I know I am! If you like to mess with all of God’s creatures on a regular basis does Harriet have the product for you! All you need to do is simply place this animal exorcism kit on your tree and just wait for the neighborhood dog to come running onto your property. Within seconds “man’s best friend” will hear an “ear splitting sound” that will chase Sparky off your property like an alter boy running from Father O’Malley after mid-night mass. I, of course, will be taking this contraption a step further and will be installing the “Animal Chaser” onto my belt. I will then take a trip to the zoo and simply walk around and see how the animals do. I’ll also alter it so that not only do animals hear these earsplitting sounds, but the homeless as well. Watching animals chasing the homeless out of my neighborhood is more cost effective and humane than anything that a neighborhood watch could do. Thanks, Harriet, for putting an end to “dog mess” and the homeless.

Product # 2 – Is your cartoon ass getting too big? How ’bout your cartoon gut? Is your cartoon rack falling down to your cartoon belt that doesn’t go all the way around your cartoon waist? If you answered “F you” to any of these questions then Harriet may have solved all of your horrific body image issues that you may have. Introducing the Body Slimmer. Don’t put down the second helping of ice cream, fat ass, just jump into the Body Slimmer and kiss your problems good-bye. The actual real life model must have purchased the fancy Body Slimmer because she has hers embroidered with two snowflakes over each rack and a summer flower on her gut. What a real treat for the lucky guy who gets to bring her home after the bar and undress her and find all this mess hiding under her blouse. Unleashing the beast has never been so fun. How come they insist on using cartoon drawings for before and after photos? Now did the Body Slimmer really help the “after” cartoon drawing…or did they just simply not draw a gut, fat ass, and droopy rack on the “after?” I’m going with the second scenario. And you know what? If the “after” has a flat stomach and perky knockers, but is still dressed like Ann Romano from One Day at a Time, I’m just going to pass, but thanks nonetheless

Product # 3 – Ding dong! I wonder who’s at the front door? If only there was a wireless camera that I could install for $19.99 that would allow me to see if there was a creepy man grinding his teeth and pushing his eyebrows down at the door. Oh wait, there is? Thanks Harriet! I’d like to send some helpful tips to all the future burglars out there. (1) Stop grinding your teeth at the front door and just stand there expressionless. It will increase the chances that the homeowner will at least open the door. (2) If you see a house with flowers directly in front of the front door blocking you from ever reaching the doorbell, perhaps move on. I bet it’s a trap. (3) Probably not the best idea to try to rob a house during the day. Consider doing it at night, as it will be more difficult for the homeowner to see your facial expression. (4) If the mail slot is about 3 inches from the ground, the doorknob is about 1 inch wide, and the lock is about 6 feet above the said doorknob, I would move onto another house because it’s likely this is just a cartoon house which, in turn, will only have cartoon stuff inside. Worthless. (5) No one lives at “3” on their street. Just saying. Thanks, Harriet, for retraining potential burglars. Ole!

Facebook Comments