Product # 1 – Hey there grumpy driver! Why the long face? What is it? What do you see girl? Is that yellow lightning bolt that’s coming out of your cheek starting to burn? Or are you embarresed by the yellow arrow that they’ve placed 2 centimeters from your old crotchola? I like to think that I’ve been in many cars, yet at no time did the seat-belt go across half my face. I mean I understand them trying to protect other drivers lives by not showing all of this chicks ugly face, but strike her with lighting? That’s a little harsh even for me. Just kidding, hit her with a bolt or two. Maybe that will sizzle out that hairsprayed rats nest on her head. Anyway, what kind of car is this chick driving? I’ve yet to see this car model on the road. Perhaps it’s one of those new hybrids that all the kids are wild about? It seems spacious. In fact I’m pretty sure this lady is driving her living-room around town. Yup, I see walls in the background. Oh, and I’m pretty sure she’s using an actual Ferris-wheel as her steering wheel. How the hell big is that? Seriously this lady and car are a complete mess. Wait a second. Excuse miss? Yes, you miss. Driver? Yes you. I have a question. Um, why are you wearing “colonial” clothing? Yes, you are actually wearing clothes from the “yesteryear” box in your basement. Now were you the actual “Miracle Worker” that helped out Helen Keller or did you just rob her grave for this photo-shoot? I believe you can only wear that outfit if you’re driving a traditional horse and buggy. Wait are you? Thanks Harriet for “cheaping out” and making this chick drive her living room around in Amish clothing.
Product #2 (Sorry Ang, you’re welcome Tara) – Sound the alarm! The house is burning to the ground, but don’t worry about the kids because “Sparky” is in the upstairs bedroom. Yes, the one with the dog sticker on the window. Get him first and then the kids. Yes, and then the kids. I also love how if you look close you can see where the owners checked the box that says that there is 1 dog in the house and 2 birds. Yeah, good luck Mr. Fireman when you’re trying to catch 2 birds that are flying around the house while the flames play “I’m gonna bite your ass.” Clearly by now you know my love of animals. I would have a sticker on my window that says “Please Rescue These Things in This Specific Order or Don’t Come Out Until You Got Everything I’ve Checked Off: - My TIVO: I have the episode of Full House on there from when Papouli died and I want to watch it again.
- My iPod: I spent $170 on songs and I’m not going to download them again.
- My Garbage Pail Kids: You’ll find them in a box under my bed…next to the stack of porn from the late 90’s. Pick out a magazine or two for yourself. You’re welcome.
- Any Snapple’s in the Refrigerator: I love iced tea.
- My Golf Clubs: ALL of them. I may try to pick up golf again one day. Don’t scratch them or I’ll sue your clumsy ass.
- My Cell Phone: I have the funniest text messages on there and I’ll want to read them again. Look everywhere. If you can’t find it, call it, and see if you can hear it ring. If not, it’s probably on vibrate, so feel around for it. If you still can’t find it, I probably have it on me.
- My Dog: You’ll know him when you see him. He’ll be the one drinking out of the toilet, eating his own puke (Andrew) and licking his own balls. He bites.
I’m going to need a pretty big window to fit that sign on it. Thanks Harriet for putting priorities in my life.
Product # 3 – Do you ever worry about what you’ll wear when you’re picking tomatoes from your vertical tomato plant in the sky? Me too! Well, worry no longer because when your sky-high Harriet knows exactly what you should be wearing. Just ask this lady! Don’t humiliate yourself dressed like a caveperson. Nope. First off make sure you give yourself a stylish bowl-cut-mullet. Add extra hairspray around the sides and back as whilst picking tomatoes in the sky it’s likely to be very windy…you know, due to the airplanes and such. Next up, make sure you turn yourself into Henrietta HighPants and also wrap a nice belt around your waist, yet directly under your boobs. Now this is tricky and will likely be more of a “trial and error” experiment. I mean are you holding down your pants or are you holding up your rack-attack? Don’t worry, great philosophers have been pondering these same questions since the beginning of time. Now don’t forget that tiny basket for your tomato picking. What size you ask? Why just large enough to apparently hold up to three tomatoes! You are now officially in style to pick tomatoes in the sky with Jesus. Watch out for the bids. They like to poke.
Product # 4 – Where’s my t-shirt that says, “No Shit, Ugly.” This sexy beast has a sexified nightgown, or “Sexgown” as I like to call it, that says, “Not Tonight Deer.” Um, yeah. Actually thanks for the night off. No really, thanks. I’m not sure if while you’re doing your hair right now you have access to a mirror or mirror-like substance, but you are wearing a nightgown/sexgown with deers dressed up on it in a bathrobe and slippers. Yeah, you do. Really. Check it out. Oh, and you also have 3 rollers in your hair. Yeah, you do. Look up. They’re in just the front of your hair. Alright! There’s nothing I like more then to have my girl curling her bangs before bed. Hot hot hot! Sexxxxxy. Even better bring that hairdryer with you because I love seeing how knotty your hair is in the wind. Hot. Is that some gum I see in there too? Sweet, bring it into the bedroom with us. Is this chick for real? Don’t flatter yourself you cocky bitch. Wow, did I just get mad at the sexgown model? Hmmm. Interesting. Perhaps I have some resentment issues at the moment. Hmmm. Food for thought. Well, thanks Harriet for helping me to work through some of my issues. Now get your fine ass into that sexgown and swing by my apartment you naughty little douche.
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