Well happy Harriet Carter Wednesday to you and yours. We are just days away from the holiest day of the year, Valentine’s Day, so it only makes sense that this year Failure Model Chick will be my Valentine. Last year it was Harriet, but after dealing with her crust I’m ready to move on to younger and trashier. Let’s see just what Harriet has in store for us this week. Let’s go!
Product # 1 – Well, well, well. Look what the garbage man dragged in. So we meet again, Failure Model Chick. You’ve been gone for a while, months actually. Tell me, exactly how long does it take to recover from a Tijuana abortion? Regardless, I’m glad you’re back. Let’s not fight like this again. At least not in front of Harriet. Failure Model Chick appears to have injured her neck. Ouchie. Now rumor has it that FMC hurt her neck after selflessly giving herself to the volunteers who are helping out those in need in Haiti. While she may not have a ton of money to give she can perform (allegedly) hundreds of thousands of $2 dollar sucky sucky… if ya know what I mean…and I think you do….cuz you ain’t new here! Oh that FMC! She’s a real trooper. A crick in her neck won’t slow down this blow pig, oh no sir-e-bob! She simply slaps on this “economical” neck brace and she’s back to bobbing for swimmers before you know it. And look at that smile on her face. It says, “Yeah I just gave oral pleasure to the troops and, well, you’re welcome people of Haiti, you’re welcome.” She won’t even let her hair get in the way, apparently, thanks to what I can only assume is the Topsy Tail. Although I can only imagine the sex pot she’ll turn into when she lets down those nasty oily rat tail strands as they blow in the dusty wind. So next time you think, “I don’t have enough money to make a difference” just think of Failure Model Chick and her cracky-whore-like-neck and think outside of the box. Obviously she has.
Product # 2 – Hey there trashmaster! Like staying cozy in bed, huh? Not really in the mood to, you know, stand up and walk to the actual bathroom? Well does Harriet have quite the feces mobile for you! Now you can get out of your comfy bed and take the nastiest little sh*t money can buy directly next to your bed. What a concept! Just think, your husband or wife (or last nights trick) thinks they’re waking up to the smell of fresh coffee brewing, but once their glassy eyes open just think of the wonderful surprise you’ll provide for them by pushing out yesterdays burrito. Just glance over, wave, smile, and say, “Mornin’ honey. Yup, that is quite the sh*t I’m taking. Now can you be a lamb and grab me the newspaper off the front porch? Thanks a heap!” You’ll both be squealing with delight all whilst spraying piping hot boom boom all over your bedroom curtains. Oh, and don’t think Harriet forgot about you fatasses out there! No, no, no. This feces mobile can hold up to 350 pounds (that translates to $15.00, I believe, for my British readers out there). And thank God they’re letting us know that the bucket is removable because I just assumed that the elderly person who needs this, who can barely even walk, would be picking up this entire contraption and shaking it out over the kitchen trash can. Personally, I’d like to adjust the height to the highest it can go, as I like my legs to dangle as I perform my Shasta McNasty. Thanks, Harriet, for making the bedroom sexy!