This Thanksgiving I am most thankful for all the joy that Harriet Carter brings to my life and I’m also thankful for no pending lawsuits. Let’s take a look at some helpful products, etc that I have been most thankful for. Let’s go!
Product # 1 – Ho ho ho, stupid! You better hurry up your dumb ass and write your illegible letter to Santa Christ because he can’t wait to get your “Urgent” letter so early in the year. I mean, sure there are other more pressing things going on but your letter should be pushed right to the top of his pile. I think it’s great that Mommy and Daddy are spending the time with you on how to address envelopes. I’m sure it’ll get there ASAP especially since you’ve appropriately labeled it “To Santa Claus – North Pole.” Maybe Jesus Claus will be as thoughtful to you when he delivers your gifts to “To Jimmy – USA.” Oh, and Jimmy? Yeah, I’m not sure if you knew that the price of stamps continues to rise, but I’m pretty sure sticking a picture of a candy cane where the stamp “should” go really will qualify as the price for urgent “air mail.” At this point you’re better off rolling up your letter and putting it in one of those beer bottles that your drunken father threatens your cheating mother with every Saturday and Sunday night. Then just toss the bottle into the ocean or flush it down the toilet when you “bury your fish” because I’m confident the path to “Fish Heaven” starts in your drain pipes. Finally, Jimmy, I hope that you weren’t a greedy bastard this year when writing your letter and asked for all toys because since Mommy and Daddy have to help cover the $750 Billion Dollar Bailout you’re better off asking Santa Christ to bring you oil, gas, and electricity. Hope you like home-schooling, Jimmy, because that’s what I see in your future. Ho ho ho! Love, Harriet Claus.
Product # 2 – Hey there sexy pants! Are you sick and tired of having people hit on you and you are so sick of having sexy times that you can barely muster up enough energy to leave your house? Well what would you say if I told you that Harriet Cartercan help you stop ever being hit on or having sex again! You’d probably say, “But IBBB? How can this be?” I would ignore your dumb question, but would tell you the rest anyway. All you really need to do is put on this very elegant and fancy chin strap. Ooo la la, I bet it’s imported from Paris! Now, this striking little beast obviously couldn’t afford her own chin strap. I mean, after all, what is she the Queen of England? If you, too, can’t afford a chin strap feel free to make one on your own. All you basically need to do is place your face through your nana’s old underpants leg. Sure it will smell like Werther’s Originals and cat piss, but at least people won’t be bugging you any more for sexual fun reindeer games. Is it just me or is this what you think that maxi-pads would look like if they became human? Just me? I assumed so. Thanks Harriet for bringing back sexy chin straps. Grrr!
Product # 3 – Are you easy, breezy, and beautiful? Have a few hundred knots in your hair? If you’ve answered yes to either of these questions you’re probably the type of strong willed woman who believes that hairdressers don’t know what the hell they are doing. I mean, why go to a trained hair-cutting professional who has about 156,993 hours of schooling. What do they know? You need a haircut, you do it yourself. If it worked for the Pilgrims on the Mayflower then it certainly can work for you. Now Harriet will teach you how to cut your own hair so you get the look you want every single morning. It looks effortless and painless. Just look at the lady who’s trying it out! She seems calm, happy, and carefree. You can barely tell that the hair-cutting contraption is literally ripping the knots out of her head and that there are small blood droplets on the comb-cutter. Don’t worry that you’ll F up the back of your head because you can’t really see it, because remember if you can’t see it then no one else can, right? Right! It’s just hair. It will grow back. I’m not sure if that still hold true when you’re ripping it out by the root, but it’s worth a shot. As a side note, it’s great to see Brett Butler from Grace Under Fire working again!