Product # 1 – Give it the gas. Seriously. If I ever saw some little bitch, in the middle of the night, who was missing one shoe, on a little boys bike, giving me a “talk to the hand” whilst I was trying to leave my own driveway I would just gun it and run the skank down. I’d then tie her to the roof like a deer and mount her on my living room wall with a sign underneath her that said, “Should’ve Been Studying.” But that’s just me. You may react differently to a little girl on a bike. Anyhuffy, what’s this girl doing riding her bike in the middle of the night anyway? And where are her parents? Probably in a meth lab, I’d assume. And where is her other shoe? I have many questions. Not for nothing, but stay the hell out of my driveway. No really, get off my private property before I call the police. Perhaps she didn’t see my “Beware of Dog” sign I have plastered all over the place. She’s so rude. We’re in a fight. Oh, and where’s her helmet? I mean if I’m going to hit her with my truck I don’t want to give her “the brain damage” I just want to scare her, you know, and teach her a lesson about private property.
Product # 2 – “Honey, did you wash my Modesty Panel? Yeah, Modesty Panel. Did you wash it, because I can’t seem to find it. My Modesty Panel? No? You didn’t? Never mind, I found it. It was in the drawer next to my faux-dickie.” Seriously, a “Modesty Panel?” Is there a name any less sexy than “Modesty Panel?” It looks like some little 2nd grader cut a coffee filter into a heart shape and then used chalk to draw flowers on it for an “arts and crafts” Valentine’s Day project. Who’s wearing something like this? I want names! Whatever happened to the days when women would allow their rack to peek out the top of their low cut sweaters? Those were the good old days. Simpler times. Happier times before the recession. Let me give you a little advice. If you’re trying to camouflage your rack, you should just stay home and knit. Knit and knit and knit….you know…for your cats? Knit them little cat sweaters and little cat hats and then take pictures of them and add them to your myspace page with funny little captions like, “Meowy Meowerson’s First Day of School” and “A Life Without Cats…I Don’t Think So!” Look, the economy is in the crapper and your rack is all we have left, so throw out this Modesty Panel and release the beast within.
Product # 3 – Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. That’s me faux-laughing at your toilet paper prank. The “Don’t P Me Off Toilet Paper Holder” prank isn’t a laughing matter. In fact, if I was ever at your house using your bathroom and couldn’t get to the toilet paper, you know what I would do? I’d use your nice “for company only” white towels that are folder ever-so-nicely on your shelf. I’d also press my ass up against your wall and just jump and down until I could write my name on your wall in crap smears. I’d also jump backwards into your wall so that I was leaving “crap kisses” all over the place. So, you still think it’s funny to try to “prank me” with your toilet paper puzzle? Yeah I didn’t think so either.