Harriet Carter Wednesday: Suck It

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! It amazes me how much white trash there really is out there in this world. And, well, it makes me feel special. This week Harriet keeps our filthy feet clean, our filthy house more filthy, our filthy head wet, and our filthy mother/daughter filthy whores. Understood? Let’s go!

Product # 1 – Are you ready to get the beating of your life from random strangers on the street? Well when you and your douche-bag daughter put on these t-shirts you’re sure to get jumped in the matter of minutes. In case you can’t see the mother, who apparently didn’t brush her hair for the photoshoot, is wearing a t-shirt that says, “Older and Wiser.” Her bratty douche of an offspring is wearing a t-shirt that says, “Younger and Cuter.” Awwww isn’t that sweet. I totally bet these two train-wreck skanks pose like that too when people see them. The mother looks “displeased” and the daughter is playing the role of “the know-it-all.” Oh pure brilliance and direction on the set of the Harriet Carter catalog! I’d make a few small changes to the mother’s t-shirt. I think it should say something short and sweet like, “Older, Wiser, and 2 More Devil Dogs Away from These Jeans Turning Into Cameltoe Spandex.” Then on the sleeve it can saying something cute like, “Only Douchey Whores Tuck in Their T-Shirts.” The precious little daughters t-shirt could say something catchy like, “I Have No Friends in School and It Could Be For the Following Reasons: (1) My Bangs That Start at the Top of My Head (2) My Side Pony Tail (3) My Shit-Eating Grin (4) My Anorexic Arms and Future Bulimia Condition and (5) My Little Boys Jeans I’m Wearing. Now on the back of both the mother and daughters t-shirts it should say right across the back in big, bold letters “DUMB BITCHES.” Maybe I put a little too much thought into this.

Product # 2 – Need to wipe your boots? Well don’t bother because in our house complete filth rules and we’re ok with that! I’m sure nothing makes the mother of this house feel better then the day her dirt bag husband bought her this for Christmas. Don’t worry, honey, our friends will think it’s funny that our house should be shut down by the Board of Health! No, no you get back to eating and watching Oprah. Oh, and don’t slow down on your new meth addiction. Let me ask a question. If you’re house is this dirty is that supposed to be funny? And why the hell would you advertise that you’re a mess? I think the mat should saying something along the lines of this: “We Live in a Trailer and are Dirty and Our Kids Have Dirty Fingernails, Banana Yellow Teeth, and Grape Kool-Aid Moustaches. Call DSS and/or 911 Immediately.” Yeah, that really has a ring to it and really gets the point across.

Product # 3 – Hey nasty! Have you ever heard of socks? Slippers? Shoes? Nope? Ok well if you walk barefoot through a junkyard 23 hours/day and have permanent sludge stains on your gross feet then does Harriet have the product for you! All you need to do, apparently, is dunk your mud-ridden stumps into this foot bath and VIOLA your clean water turns brown….just like your teeth (I’d assume)! How lucky to have your teeth match the foot water. Feel free to bob for apples in that afterwards! Seriously, how filthy are you? And does this lady know that if she were shooting for the catalog that she should probably take a razor and/or weed whacker to her legs? No joke I see a ton of hair/stubble on those sun repellent stumps. Gross. If that’s what her legs look like one can only imagine what her..uh….er….”gentleman greeter” must looks like. Geesh. Maybe dunk that in the water too. Oh well, thanks Harriet for cleaning up the nastiest skanks in town. I’m sure you tested this out first!

Product # 4 – Homeless? Have about $9.99 to spare? If so you are in luck today my little degenerate friend! Never worry about finding a place to bathe again because now you can plug this trusty little hose into any sink and wash wash wash away! Is this dumb whore for real? Why is she washing her hair in the sink? God forbid she were to hop in the shower and get her body wet too. I’m almost positive that your body should only have 1 shower per day. Seriously, by the time she pulls out that hose, attaches it to the sink, secures it to the faucet, makes sure it’s working right, and then turns it on, she could have taken a 45 minute bath. And why the hell is she wetting just the side of her head? Oh God I hope that’s acid coming out of the sink hose. Sink hose. And why is she smiling? Since when is wetting your hair and experience that brings a smile to your face? I bet she’s using that hose a little lower too if you know what I mean…and I think you do because I’m 10 years old.

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Harriet Carter Wednesday: Suck It

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