Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! What a real treat we have around the IBBB office for you today! That’s right boys, girls, and transgender individuals, Failure Model Chick is back! And, to top it off, she’s in a one-piece bathing suit. She is quite the dish! This week, FMC makes a comeback, Harriet cures the blind, and reinvents the coffee cup because, well, it’s long overdue. Let’s go!
Product # 1 – Careful fella’s, she’s engaged! Failure Model Chick is back and with a vengeance! This time around she’s “modeling” a hammock-like beach chair that is easily portable in a bag-like contraption. To dumb it down, this is basically FMC’s “Casting Couch on the Run!” When you’re just about to be cast for your next “Girls of New Jersey” swimsuit calendar, but haven’t quite sealed the deal, now you can just flip open this contraption and have at it! FMC even demonstrates how comfortable it is to lay down on. From the looks of it she’s lost all function in her neck, most likely from the “casting bobbing” that she was performing on the director and by “casting bobbing” I am, of course, talking about a little $2 dollar sucky-sucky. Anycrap, FMC looks like a nana come to life with her one-piece and Kelly Kowpowski sunglasses. And her bear-sized mitts may be trying to hide the soda label that she’s drinking, but we all know it’s Sprite. Yeah, I said it. Sprite. Yes, that Failure Model Chick sure is enjoying the concrete beach. I hope she doesn’t get a sunburn from the florescent lights that are beaming down on her chalky white model body. I may tee-off on FMC, but it’s only because I love her. I do love her. I am jealous that she is more successful than me. Please hold your hate mail. Eh, send it anyway, it usually cracks me up…and not just because I’m on crack. Ole, FMC! Ole!
Product # 2 – Hey there blind folks! I SAID, HEY THERE BLIND FOLKS! Are you tired of being blind? Have you tried the piano and the harmonica, but can seem to hit “Stevie Wonder” status yet? Has the “seeing-eye pony” lost its novelty? Did you bomb your American Idol audition? Has Helen Keller stolen your thunder? Well if you answered “yes” to any of these questions let me say that I am truly amazed, because you’re blind and you could read this. I’ll also say, “well does Harriet have the cure for you!” Sand down the braille books because you’ll be reading in no time thanks to these trusty Harriet Carter Vision Training Glasses! No, these are not just old sunglasses from the 80’s that were purchased at a flea-market and had holes drilled into them. No, no, these are official vision builders! And for only $14.98 this is a miracle come true. You see (pun intended), all the holes in the glasses force you to focus more and we all know that problem with the blind is that they don’t focus enough. Well, that and the fact that they have bad haircuts, but I’ll let that one slide because, you know, they’re all blind and junk. So, pick up yourself some Harriet Carter Vision Training Glasses and get ready to style your own hair for once! Thanks Harriet!
Product # 3 – Wanna know what’s tricky? Holding a coffee cup with only one handle. You know how coffee cups have only had one handle for the past 2000 years and no one ever had a problem with it, ever, because one handle is perfectly fine for anyone who isn’t a big baby? Yeah, well thank God those caveman days are over because Harriet has personally added an extra handle to your coffee mug so you can finally get on with your life. Personally I think this is a great and much needed invention because I think that holding your coffee with one hand while driving was just too safe. No, you must hold your coffee with two hands whilst driving and just try to steer with your knees, or better yet just have the passenger maneuver through traffic on the highway. Other items that also need two handles include, but are not limited to, toothbrushes, telephones, briefcases, and umbrellas. Hopefully Harriet is working on these next. I tell ya, her research and development employees must be working around the clock to make our lives run more smoothly. Oh, and I also secretly hope that both of these handles break off at the same time and this dude spills all the hot coffee all over his ding-dong and the doctor has to cut it off. He can use it as a third, bendy, handle for his next cup of coffee. That’s a free suggestion, Harriet. You’re welcome.