Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! Harriet’s testicles are, clearly, tired of being frostbitten so it’s time to take a look into what crap we can buy for the upcoming Spring season. Let’s go!
Product # 1 – Finally! A product on the market that will protect my “ornamentals” from animal raids. Like this one time a buffalo stampede came and totally messed with my pool sign that said, “Welcome to Our Ool. Notice There’s No “P” in it? Let’s Keep it That Way.” I’m assuming that’s what they’re talking about when they say “ornamentals” right? Well luckily this “Hot Pepper Wax” can also be sprayed on your fruits and vegetables too. Now I’m not fully sure how this product works, but it looks like you just simply press the nozzle and then, magically, life size cartoon peppers appear and scare away a cartoon rabbit. Problem, obviously, solved. Honestly, I don’t care what they say. I don’t believe, for one second, that this product is safe to spray on your fruits and vegetables. You can’t really see it too well, but there is a huge “CAUTION” sign on the front of the bottle with about 6 rows of things to “caution” you about. I’m hoping the “caution” fills you in that if you spray this “Hot Pepper” spray on your carrots and then eat more than two of them you will have explosive diarrhea for 3-5 business days. Want a hot pepper apple pie? Want to Shasta McNasty it out before you finish your first slice? Well you’re in luck! And why are they trying to convince us of the scent of “pepper and herbs is pleasant?” Yeah, it is but only on things like, oh I don’t know, peppers and herbs? You know what things I don’t want smelling like peppers and herbs? Apples, oranges, grapes, broccoli, carrots, lettuce, spinach, lemons, peas, red cabbage, regular cabbage, etc. Basically anything that’s not “peppers and herbs.” Oh, and I don’t want my “ornamentals” smelling like that either. And while your property may be clear of pesky animals, don’t be surprised to see pounds and pounds of animal projectile diarrhea all over your backyard. Thanks, Harriet, for giving me and God’s creatures the sh*ts.
Product # 2 – You know what I was just having an in-depth conversation (with myself) about just the other day? How there isn’t enough cats with bedazzled eyes. Well, Harriet is “first to market” so, apparently, she wins this round. If you want to scare the patched up pants off your trailer park neighbors all you need to do is smash this cat with the creepiest eyes directly into the ground. It’s supposed to scare away other animals, but you totally know that within the first 2 hours of this thing being “planted” some neighborhood trash-bag is going to pop those eyes right off the cat and then try to sell it on eBay as “Jewels Recovered from the Titanic.” It’s products like this that really make me think, “How F’n stupid are animals?” I mean, so a bird or some other animal is going to see this cat with the creeptastic eyes…get scared for a second….and then notice that it hasn’t actually moved a muscle for over 72 hours. Now maybe if this black cat had a shotgun attached to its paw that “went off” every 45 seconds then I could start to see how other animals would be scared. And why do I feel like Paris Hilton is going to see this cat and then get the brilliant idea that “diamond eyes” are “hot” right now and would make her into a “sexy betch.” Worst. Anyway, I may pick up this cat from my local Harriet Carter hardware store and follow the description that says, “…or mount it on a tree” because, well, I do like changing the purpose of trees and I do like hanging up cats so it makes sense for me. I hope it makes sense for you too.