Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! Harrietâs testicles are, clearly, tired of being frostbitten so itâs time to take a look into what crap we can buy for the upcoming Spring season. Letâs go!
Product # 1 â Finally! A product on the market that will protect my âornamentalsâ from animal raids. Like this one time a buffalo stampede came and totally messed with my pool sign that said, âWelcome to Our Ool. Notice Thereâs No âPâ in it? Letâs Keep it That Way.â Iâm assuming thatâs what theyâre talking about when they say âornamentalsâ right? Well luckily this âHot Pepper Waxâ can also be sprayed on your fruits and vegetables too. Now Iâm not fully sure how this product works, but it looks like you just simply press the nozzle and then, magically, life size cartoon peppers appear and scare away a cartoon rabbit. Problem, obviously, solved. Honestly, I donât care what they say. I donât believe, for one second, that this product is safe to spray on your fruits and vegetables. You canât really see it too well, but there is a huge âCAUTIONâ sign on the front of the bottle with about 6 rows of things to âcautionâ you about. Iâm hoping the âcautionâ fills you in that if you spray this âHot Pepperâ spray on your carrots and then eat more than two of them you will have explosive diarrhea for 3-5 business days. Want a hot pepper apple pie? Want to Shasta McNasty it out before you finish your first slice? Well youâre in luck! And why are they trying to convince us of the scent of âpepper and herbs is pleasant?â Yeah, it is but only on things like, oh I donât know, peppers and herbs? You know what things I donât want smelling like peppers and herbs? Apples, oranges, grapes, broccoli, carrots, lettuce, spinach, lemons, peas, red cabbage, regular cabbage, etc. Basically anything thatâs not âpeppers and herbs.â Oh, and I donât want my âornamentalsâ smelling like that either. And while your property may be clear of pesky animals, donât be surprised to see pounds and pounds of animal projectile diarrhea all over your backyard. Thanks, Harriet, for giving me and Godâs creatures the sh*ts.
Product # 2 â You know what I was just having an in-depth conversation (with myself) about just the other day? How there isnât enough cats with bedazzled eyes. Well, Harriet is âfirst to marketâ so, apparently, she wins this round. If you want to scare the patched up pants off your trailer park neighbors all you need to do is smash this cat with the creepiest eyes directly into the ground. Itâs supposed to scare away other animals, but you totally know that within the first 2 hours of this thing being âplantedâ some neighborhood trash-bag is going to pop those eyes right off the cat and then try to sell it on eBay as âJewels Recovered from the Titanic.â Itâs products like this that really make me think, âHow Fân stupid are animals?â I mean, so a bird or some other animal is going to see this cat with the creeptastic eyesâŠget scared for a secondâŠ.and then notice that it hasnât actually moved a muscle for over 72 hours. Now maybe if this black cat had a shotgun attached to its paw that âwent offâ every 45 seconds then I could start to see how other animals would be scared. And why do I feel like Paris Hilton is going to see this cat and then get the brilliant idea that âdiamond eyesâ are âhotâ right now and would make her into a âsexy betch.â Worst. Anyway, I may pick up this cat from my local Harriet Carter hardware store and follow the description that says, ââŠor mount it on a treeâ because, well, I do like changing the purpose of trees and I do like hanging up cats so it makes sense for me. I hope it makes sense for you too.