Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday. Even though HCW only comes but once a week I feel like I’m trash-bag-status enough for every day to be HCW. In fact, I’m currently writing congress to make this a national holiday. I’m not quite sure what any of this means, but what I do know is that this week Harriet sends mixed messages to your co-workers and helps even the dumbest skanks (and those who love them) find their “happy place.” Let’s go!
Product # 1 – Ever wonder why all these companies are shutting their doors after 50+ years of business? Sure some of it is because of….well….um…I don’t know…something the housing market did? I’m not quite sure as the majority of my attention over the past few years has been focused on The Hills and Jersey Shore, but I’m also pretty sure that it’s because “workers” are slackers in 98% of the cases. Introducing the “Cubicaller Doorbell!” So the next time you’re busy at “work” checking Facebook, planning your next trip, raising fake animals on Farmville, and reading IBBB you certainly don’t want to be taken by surprise so, clearly, you need Nosey Nicole who sits next to you to ring your new cubical doorbell. This gives you plenty of notice to quickly hit “Alt F4” or simply pull the plug from your sex-box-machine. Enjoy such fancy doorbell noises like, “bird call,” or “alien laser,” or perhaps even the popular “funky drum,” you know, whatever the hell that’s supposed to be. I’m hoping I can record some of my own sounds or phrases like, “I could care less that your kid is selling wrapping paper to raise money for their Catholic school tuition. I have my own financial mess to deal with.” Or maybe even something like, “Buzz. I know it looks like I’m sitting here working, but in reality I’ve been mentally checked out since we moved offices in late 2006. Leave a message. Beep.” And finally who can’t resist the most popular, “If I wanted to go to yet another office birthday cake celebration I’d be as big as the receptionist, fat ass.” Thanks, Harriet, for helping me find yet another way to, you know, not do work and just have fun at my desk. Every day is like a friggin fiesta with you. Trash heap.
Product # 2 – Hey ladies, is your husband/partner/dog (who tends to enjoy licking up peanut butter from odd places) having a hard time finding your “tender vittles?” Do you usually feel like you’re doing “the banging” with Lewis and Clarke and yet they still can’t find the great American West even though they brought along a map, Sacajawea and her infant son? Well if you answered, “I’m a slam-pig” to any of these questions the medical experts at Harriet Carter have finally invented a product for even the whoriest of whores. Feast your eyes (and possibly fingers) on the “G-Spot Stimulating Gel” that comes with the official the “Find It” Guide. I’m not sure what “it” is, but let’s all assume we ain’t (ai-not) talking about the pot of gold at the end of skanky rainbow. Who needs to even test this when right on the “guide” it has a ringing endorsement that says, “Ooooh! That’s it!” I believe them because they’ve used a lot of “o’s” and even two exclamation points. Apparently when you squirt this into your tropical rainforest a pink heart sprouts from between your legs. I’m not sure if that acts like a cork when you try to pee but, hey I’m no doctor and I don’t claim to be 76% of the time. According to the description, they’re bragging that this product is “Menthol free” so I’m pretty sure that means that it’s safe to smoke? Either that or it helps cure a sore throat. Again, not a certified doctor. You can use this product, however, a total of 40 times (or 20 times if your partner is as intuitive as Helen Keller). I have to be honest; I really want to see what’s in that “guide.” Is it like the map from Dora the Explorer? I’ll assume a “map to the G-spot” consists of a bottle of wine, diamond earrings, and compliments like “Did you lose weight” and “I really appreciate all that you do for me.” At the same time, who am I kidding? I could barely make it to the Oregon Trail (and I was a banker from Boston!) so I’m going to need that “guide” along with a video and, most likely, a 24-hour customer service hotline.