Product # 1 â Hey there âSluts on the Run!â How are you? I bet youâre pretty tired since you always seem to be banging and leaving. Thatâs very understandable. If youâre a proper skank-bag you know what it feels like to try to get a quickie whilst balanced on the top of a cold metal dumpster, pushed up against the toilet, and staying as steady as you can while on a conveyor belt. Well Sluts on the Run you donât have to be like those Caveman Sluts because now Harriet is making it easier for you to bang bang bang wherever your whore-like heart desires thanks to this handy dandy 5-way carry away sofa bed! Your date for the night might think youâre just bringing a stylish backpack with you, but little does he know that youâre ready to go at it at a moments notice. Turn this contraption into a sofa for light petting, turn it into a lounge chair for some shirtless action, or pop the headrest down when youâre, apparently, ready to experiment with things âfrom the backâ as it delicately shows in the above photo. This class act slut doesnât even seem to mind that her âdateâ for the night hasnât washed his nasty feet for what looks like weeks. Apparently the photographer doesnât seem to mind either. So, my friends, have a little class when youâre out and about and bring your own bed with you, but always remember the pioneer sluts that had to bump uglies in dumpsters and in the back seat of their cars so that you could, one day, have your one-night stand with a little dignity, class, style, and inflatable pillows. Thanks, Harriet, for making my slut comfortable and when I toss her out the window when Iâm done with her I can rest easy knowing she will land on her blown up 5-way carry away âslut raft.â
Product # 2 â Know what dogs with rabies like right before they go for your neck? They really like you taking the time to take out you âair hornâ and blow it directly in front of their face. Oh yeah, they love that. Rabid dogs love loud noises. They like it so much that theyâll probably start to bite of your arms well before they ever go in for your neck. Itâs a respect thing. Anyway, this dog looks as sweet as can be and, by the looks of him, he probably listens to commands such as âsitâ and âroll over.â If this dog is about to attack you, you should try that first and then bring out the air-horn. Oh, actually come to think of it know what works better than an air-horn? Oh whatâs that thing called again? Oh yeah, a gun. Guns work well when vicious dogs try to attack you on the street. Sometimes I donât have place to store my âdog killerâ so I walk the streets of NYC with a crossbow and arrow strapped to my back. Yeah, I like to pretend Iâm Robin Hood while fighting off rabid animals. It really brings me back to my roots. Seriously, this âair-hornâ looks like it will work just as good as bitch-slapping that dog with your purse. Good luck with that. Press the horn, but make sure you have a backup plan when it pisses of this dog even more. Perhaps an elderly woman with rollers in her hair will be walking by during this confrontation. Use her as a shield and just start ramming the dog. Try calling the dogs girlfriend a â2-bit whore.â Insult its puppies. Throw hot dogs in the air and when it looks up at them kick it in the face and run like thereâs no tomorrow. Be sure not to accidentally âdanceâ like thereâs no tomorrow as Paula Abdul instructs. In the meantime, think up some innovative and practical ways to out-smart a rabid dog on your own. Just keep in mind though that carrying hot dogs with you and a bow and arrow will come in handy more than you think. Iâm sure PETA would agree. Arf!
Product # 3 â So this product isnât the worst, but since everyone loves to send me hate mail on how bad my spelling is I figured it was only fair to take a crack at Harriet. Go figure. Anyway, apparently Harriet is marketing to those who speak made up languages or languages that are a combination of Spanish and German? Check out a few of my favorite lines from the description above: âDinosaurs may be extince.â Extince? I knew a few Dinosaurs who were âExtinceâ but they kept that shit quiet. You couldnât talk about it way back in those days. Did you know that this dinosaur is also âdishwasher daftâ too? Spreken zi douche!? I love things that are dishwasher daft, it just makes me feel more comfortable with placing my âdaft extinceâ into the dishwasher. Look, my site is a ghetto little website that is spelled checked (thanks to the spell check tool) but is never grammar checked. Also, I make about 11 cents a month on my ads. At the end of the day Iâm allowed to spell things wrong and use incorrect words because, well lets face it, who cares. But Harriet Carter is a multi-million dollar company. Yes I said multi-million. Shouldnât someone be checking the spelling/grammar mistakes. God knows it shouldnât be me, but it should be someone. As a sidenote, what the hell are they talking about that you can use this candle-holder for big birthdays like 30, 40 or 50 where each candle represents a decade? Really? You know youâd still have to explain that to your guests, right? At that point you wouldnât need the dinosaur and could just as well place 4 candles in the cake and tell people each candle represents 1 decade, no? Nice try Harriet. You know my weakness is math (and spelling, and grammar, and love), but you canât trick me this time!
This concludes another craptastic Harriet Carter Wednesday. Before you send me hate mail I only chose 3 products this week because I couldnât find anything else funny to write about. Harriet better refresh her crapalogâŠand quick!
Please note, no animals were harmed during the writing of this segment.
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