Oh hi. I didn’t see you there. Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday. Thank you for coming. Take off your coat. Perhaps, your pants? Get comfortable, but not so comfortable that you start farting and junk. Nobody needs that around here. Class it up because this week Harriet has finally bedazzled a shirt for Snooki and keeps your private business high fashion. Let’s go!
Product # 1 – “Harriet Carter Seamless Dump Catchers: Because When You’re Pissing Your Pants, Fashion is Still a Priority.” When you’re waiting in the 10 Items or Less line and you start, literally, shatting your pants you don’t want the people behind you to notice any seams on your underpants, do you? Dooooo you? How mortifying! I mean sure in about 45 seconds the back of your pants is going to look like you’re smuggling grapes out of the supermarket, but you are still a lady after all and the last thing you’ll want to deal with is seams. I mean, seams? Gross! Well thanks to the head fashionista over at House of Carter, you can now piss up to 5 ounces in your brand new seamless underpants! Check out the description. I know when I’m buying underwear I want to see such descriptive phrases like: “whisper-quiet waterproof vinyl,” “excess liquid,” “polyester gusset,” and “5 ounces.” One time I remember waiting in line to pay for my underwear and I saw that it actually only said “4 ounces” and so I put them back on the shelf and walked out of the store with 2 middle fingers in the air and piss dripping out of my pant leg. Oh, and of course these “dump catchers” are made in the USA. Of course they are. Because this is what we make here in the US. Let’s not focus on electronics or good cars like China does. Oh no, no. Let’s perfect whisper-quiet waterproof vinyl panties. Seriously, save your money, put a cork in it and call it a day. Thanks, Harriet, for making doing boom boom whilst on the run, couture.
Product # 2 – Why did they even bother hanging up that mess of a t-shirt? If they wanted to show an accurate depiction they would have just rolled it in a ball next to a bed with about 10 open condom wrappers, an empty 6-pack of Zima, 2 rainbow colored Troll dolls, and an empty carton of Misty 120’s because that is exactly the type of person who’s going to wear a bedazzled t-shirt that says, “Screw the Cracker, Polly Wants a Cocktail.” Really? Why do I have a feeling that this is the most seen t-shirt around the lobby of Foxwoods Casino? It’s because the answer is, “It is. It is.” And why the hell are parrots drinking anyway? And why are you promoting bird drinking and quite possibly even bird anorexia? What a real shame. Real shame, real shame. Real shame.
