Another Harriet Carter Wednesday, another dollar I didn’t make. You’d think the people over at HC would be tossing me a few bucks for positively highlighting their products each and every week. I mean, sure I crap on them but it’s a kind crap. A jovial crap, if you will. And, let’s face it, this catalog has been opened up by a whole new demographic…you know….”un-white trash.” But I digress and digest all at the same time. This week Harriet becomes the raspy dog whisperer and sells crossword puzzles like it’s the last day here on planet earth which, in turn, it probably is. Let’s go!
Product # 1 – Do you like to spook your dog? Do you speak in awkward sentences? Well why not combine the two and really go crazy? I mean, why not it’s the new millennium. Do it up big! All you need to do is set up your dog food bowl and record a little message…that kinda almost makes you sound a little like Hitler. Let’s look at this one for example. Here Harriet is saying to the dog that she probably stole from an 11 year old girl who was getting a scoop of ice cream at the local ice cream parlor, “Come eat your food. Fido!” I can’t even hear it, but to me it sounds like a cross between Marge’s sister from The Simpson’s and a caveman. I picture Harriet with glassy eyes smoking her Misty 120’s and slurring, “Come eat your (burrrrrp) food. Fido!” And why the period and then the “Fido” with an exclamation point? Wouldn’t it be more like, “Come eat your food, Fido.” It’s not two sentences. I don’t know why I even care. Anyway, I bet Harriet talks to everyone like that. She’s like, “Get over here and get your picture taken. Failure Model Chick!” Or, “There’s no year end bonus this year. Employees! Or, “My period hasn’t showed up since the Carter administration. Earl!” I assume her husband’s name is Earl. I also like how the description says, “Works with food or drink, dogs or cats.” Oh really? Does it? Wow that’s amazing, amazing, technology! You mean to tell me I can “feed” my animal either food…or….drink? Wow how does it know!?! Thank God it said that or I was going to piss in it and leave it out for my mailman. You see, now I know I can’t. Thanks, Harriet, for making me love you more and more each day.
Product # 2 – You’ve spent the past 5 years training your kids to not write on the walls and now, well, you might as well toss that life lesson out the window with that whole pesky “no sex before marriage” rule. Introducing the “World’s Largest Crossword Puzzle.” Really? Can you back up those claims Harriet? Because I’m pretty sure North Korea is building nuclear weapons and the world’s largest crossword puzzle so, well, get your facts straight before I wash your mouth out with cheap wine….from your box. And what’s up with the facial expressions from the three pervs on the box? They don’t match up, at all, with what’s in their “talk bubble.” Like the first dude really cares that “it’s over 6ft tall!” Doubtful. He looks like he took a few bong hits and then got cast as “Man on Puzzle Box Looking Psyched.” The chick in the middle apparently is laughing hysterically over the fact that there are “over 24, 758 questions in that puzzle!” because, you know, that is totally funny. She, too, is probably on a meth binge and in about 4 days will wonder why in the holy hell she is newly obsessed with crossword puzzles. And, finally, the last lady looks like she’s screaming “Rape!!!!” but in all actuality she’s just saying “It’s so big! Yet if folds for easy solving!” Seriously, what does that even mean? You know she’s really hammered and is actually talking about her travel vibrator. Pig. What a pig. Anyway, if you like crossword puzzles and, well, standing you should buy this. The end.