Seriously who has this problem? No really, who? In the before picture that cat is basically dry-humping “qwerty row” and the dumb bitch that’s at the desk has no clue what to do. I have an idea, flush that disgusting cat down the god-damn toilet. Gross. I know I’ve said it before but this is the same lady who brings brownies into the office work party and then as I take a bite she tells me that her cat “Cuddles” helped make them. Really, lady? The cat helped? Sounds like I could get worms by even talking to you right now. You know that cat totally licks the egg beater and then she lets it lick the bowl because she’s a putrid f’n whore-faced cat lovin’ skank. She probably cleans out her ice cube trays with that cats tail. Oh, and that tail? Yeah, that cat probably sticks it in its “sleepy hollow” while you’re not around. Luckily, Harriet Carter now has a wooden cat bed that fits right onto your desk so that your cat can watch you while you drill yourself while looking at free porn. Yes, free. You’re too cheap to pay for it. Tramp. I wouldn’t spend a dime on this wooden bed, unless it was a wooden box for my dead cat. I’m just kidding, it wouldn’t be dead. My cat would be alive. And it wouldn’t be a wooden bed as much as a wooden box. A casket, actually. Who needs a cat running the show? I’d feed it Pop Rocks and Coke and wait for it’s dumb head to explode off its flee-infested neck. Meow. Product # 2 – Oh hey there feminist movement! How are you today? Glad you’re going back to work after that short maternity leave? Yeah, I’m sure you are. You must be all proud of yourself for going back to work and getting involved in those high powered business meetings and multi-million dollar merger decisions. Well, just to knock you down a couple notches I bought you a vacuum for your desk. Yes, vacuum. Because remember ladies, at the end of the day you should never stop cleaning. All you need to do is plug this handy dandy vacuum (that kind of looks like two pieces of bread) into your USB port and vacuum up that green glitter that is apparently scattered all over your desk. Not sure what a USB port is? I figured you wouldn’t since you’ve been out of the work force for so long. That’s a place where you can plug things into your computer. Computer. A computer? Um, I’d just go back to the days of the typewriter if I were you. Now all the vacuuming is going to take a lot out of you so be sure to swap out that vacuum for the fan when you’re all done. Then kick you feet up onto your glitter free desk and rest it out. It’s been a long day. I mean, so far you’ve answered your phone once and vacuumed. We can’t ask much out of you than that. You wanted equal rights, well you got ’em! Thanks Harriet for reminding women that cleaning isn’t just a duty that you are required (by law) to be doing at home. You must be doing it at your job as well. It’s about time someone took a stand on this. All we need is for women to try to get out of office vacuuming and the next thing you know they’ll want to vote and get abortions and junk. Time to go back to the good old days.
Product # 3 – Hey there f’n stupid! Trying to figure out additional ways to look like a friggin jackass? Well you may have thought you’ve hit “tilt” on the “dumb-ass-o-meter” but thanks to the stylist department at Harriet Carter you can really kick up your retardation a notch or two. Introducing the HC Fire Wig. Originally inspired by Lindsay Lohan’s crotch, this red wig will make you the life of the party. First off, it’s battery operated the way that every wig should be, and second it lights up almost as bright as Rudolph’s alcoholic nose. It actually looks like a family of Rudolph’s were slaughtered on your head. Well, it looks like a mix between that and what I can only assume Santa’s sperm would look like if he went radioactive. Confused kids? Go and ask your parents, teachers, or camp counselors about radioactive sperm from Santa Claus. They’ll be able to explain. Regardless what this wig is for I’m not sure what the point of it is. If it’s supposed to be sexy it’s not. Funny? Nope. Actually, if this is one of those trick wigs that overheats and then bursts into flames whilst on your head then it’s totally funny. I’d be laughing the hardest when you’re running around the Halloween party with your head ablaze. Helpful fire safety wig tip: If head catches fire during Halloween party simply dunk your head in the “bobbing for apples” cauldron. Sure you’re likely to get electrocuted, but what would you rather, feeling like lightning is striking your over and over and over again or like you’re french kissing the sun? It’s your call. Thanks Harriet for making my hair glow because, you know, people demand that.